Squall (dudeofopinion) wrote,

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What the fuck does it mean to be an introvert?

I've been pondering this thought the past week, largely because I've been listening to the audiobook of "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." And it's wild to hear this woman describe me so accurately so often and give explanation to these things.

I've also been wondering if I've always been this way. My mother says I wasn't, and I don't remember being introverted when I was young, but I don't remember EVER being extroverted either. So I'm not sure what's what there, but I'm pretty sure that, it's who I am at my core now. However I got there.
Oddly enough, I think I have enough extroverted capacities to not be completely useless in this American "extrovert ideal" as the book categorizes it. I feel adaptable. Which is so important.
But I also had it SQUARELY in my face today where the limitations of that exist.

I'm waiting tables. A decidedly NON introverted profession, but I handle okay for the most part. At least until it gets really busy.
Which it did tonight.
While there were only TWO waiters on. Both new, and one of which (me) who has no previous experience.
The REAL problem comes in with my boss' utter lack of sympathy and customers' sense of self-worth. IE: "I'm the most important person on the planet, why aren't you waiting on me hand and foot and getting everything RIGHT while you have ten other tables?"
Gee, fuckerball... I wonder.
And when I say my boss has no sympathy (or compassion for that matter), after the rush, while I was trying to get my blood pressure down (which took all night, really) she told me, blatantly, "you suck." Literally.
Now... I already know this, so the words weren't a shock. It's just the last thing I needed to hear when I was on the borderline of getting violent with people.
The kid who was hosting, sat me like three times in a row and looked at my section again when another group came in and I told him flat out, "don't sit me again. I swear, I'll kill you."
Which would have been funny, but I was beyond laughing at that point.
I haven't felt that burned out in a long time.

The funny thing is, that what really had me spent in the whole experience was maintaining an outward cool. Which I did. No customer saw anything, but smiles. I was just storming on the inside and ready to blow up.
It was tough.
And it made me realize... that work is not for me, or anyone like me.
It's time to move on.

I'm an introvert. I'm sensitive, calculating, analytical, careful, thoughtful and so on.
I perform better in a quiet atmosphere and work better one on one or even by myself, than in a group.
Groups and multi-tasking are distracting and inefficient. And people are often less competent than (except at waiting tables apparently) me.

I've been out of my element for too long, trying to develop traits that aren't inherently me.
Which is okay, I still want to do that...
But WHILE I develop, I think it's time I embrace my inherent STRENGTHS and go where I'm better suited to doing a good job. I'll never excel trying exclusively to fit shoes that were made for someone else.

What I mean to say is, I can and will expand my skills and capacities, but it's foolish to act like I already have while I'm working on it. I'm a proficiency freak. And not being good at what I do is a MAJOR distraction.

Bottom line is I need to embrace me while I improve who me is. Work from here while I move toward there.
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out...
...or does it?

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein
Tags: introvert
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