Things just seem very... fake, lately.
Like life isn't real anymore. Like... everything I've been doing, and thinking and experiencing and working for is all wrong.
I feel it at work, at night when I go to sleep, in my interactions with people... everything just feels off.
Like something's wrong, or something is missing. And I don't know what it is.
But it's keeping me up at night.
There are some things I know.
I know, romantically, I'm a fucking mess at this point.
I know, professionally, I'm not operating anywhere near my capacity or anywhere near what I know I should be doing, especially where my capabilities are concerned. $50 a night waiting tables? Nigga please!
I know, socially, I'm not getting out as much as I should. Spending time with friends and making new ones.
I know, as a father, I'm not seeing nearly enough of my son and he's not having a proper life. And I'm stuck on what to do there, especially when faced with the insanity that is his mother.
I know, financially, I've screwed UP. Now... I'm making strides, but DAMN did I ever screw up. When I think about having to face THAT monster... well.... nothing else overwhelms me more.
It could be all these things, and currently, that's my theory. That the life I've created is SO far from what I wanted to and could have created by now that it's REALLY messing with my head.
I think I've just been operating TOO much in conflict with who I am for too long. Crystal kinda made me aware of that, and now that I'm trying to get back in touch with that a little, while maintaining forward development and momentum, it's really screwing my mind up.
Lately... it also seems like I don't have enough time. I'm really not doing anything just for fun anymore.
Maybe that's it... I've been missing out on my joys.
I really don't know.
I feel lost right now, really. I've got such a stack of obstacles in front of me, I don't even know where to start at this point.
YA KNOW WHAT!
I know ONE thing that is throwing me off REALLY hardcore. This job I'm pining for over at K&E! It's like I'm stuck in limbo! I wanna get started there already, but I can't do shit! If I push too hard, they'll get frustrated, but if I'm not persistent, that might send a signal that I'm not really interested. Meanwhile, if I could just get THAT job it would solve my mental problems (incongruencies really) on the professional, financial and (part of) fatherly levels. It would mean a HUGE shift in my life in the RIGHT direction.
I was actually thinking about it tonight while I was trying to sleep. I'd be making $120 a DAY. What a different life that would make for. ESPECIALLY if I used my BRAIN for once and manage that money properly to get where I need to be. Invest and save and make a better life for myself and my son. And once I've gotten out of the muck, to even start giving back through charitable donations.
Though... I could always volunteer time. I suppose I should look into that. Maybe I'll feel better if I start accomplishing something worthy.
I've got so much shit heaped on my plate right now though... I really don't know how in the world I could add anything else...
God... what a mess.
I need to meditate or something.
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." His Holiness the Dalai Lama