This isn't fair.
And it doesn't even make sense!
I was with Crystal for what... two months?
And I use the term "with" very loosely. It was like some kind of half-assed attempt at a relationship where I was meant to prove myself to her and she just pushed me away until something better presented itself.
But that's just it. That's what gets me. That's what is pissing me off and making this whole experience so unbearable.
It's the same shit, different dame.
I am now positive... POSITIVE... that being a nice guy doesn't count for SHIT. And I HATE that.
It should be WONDERFUL to meet a nice guy! Women should be losing their minds that we're still out there!
But that's just not the case. Women don't actually care about that and it eats me up because I refused to believe that for so long! I thought for sure that maintaining an intrinsic self-worth and conviction to be more than a "guy" was surely key to having a lasting, superior relationship. But there's no way that's true when I consider everything I've been through. In a superficial world, depth doesn't do any good.
And here's what's funny... I couldn't even recall at this point, how many times I've heard shit like, "you're dating the wrong women." Everyone thinks they're so different and special. But they're not. And they're not looking for different and special either. And that's what really pisses me off. There's no point in being especially valuable.
The funny thing is... I could accept this in every other area of life. I've felt this way about business for a long time. I get that friends can be finicky. And even family isn't always reliable or dependable for what family should be dependable for. But romantically, I thought there was still something sacred.
But there's not...
It's just treated like disposable shit like everything else in this world. And I'm trying to accept it, but I hate it, oh so much!
And it's keeping me up at night.
The funny thing is, Crystal catalyzed this, but I know it's not her I'm lamenting loss of, because I don't think about her that much. It's what she did and what it means for me.
I say this, because when I lost Sara, all I could see was her face and it tore me apart. I wanted to hold her, smell her, see her smile, etc. In this case, it's not like that at all. I just resent the experience, and Crystal hardly pops in my head, if at all.
In fact, I only just realized that, because she did pop in my head for the first time earlier tonight. I saw her face while I was trying to sleep and realized that I hadn't been.
It's so annoying.
It's so depressing.
It's so disappointing...
THAT'S what it really is. I held the world in higher regard than this. I wanted to believe that there was room for someone like me, that I would fit in somewhere and there would be a woman for someone like me.
Instead, I find that a more reasonable reality is that I will have to follow procedures, and manipulate and guide interactions to get what I want until I can find the closest thing to what I'm looking for. And I can't use my smarts to make it any more real. I can only see things for what they are, and work with or abandon predictable outcomes.
Had I done that with Crystal, I wouldn't be in this position right now. I could have played the game and guided her feelings for me, but I thought I could let it be more natural.
Well so much for that shit.
Sometimes.... I swear... I hate being smarter than everyone.
I want to be around more smart people so I don't feel like such a fucking freak all the damned time.
That's what I thought Crystal would be... what I HOPED she would be.
I'm an ass for holding onto hope... and I KNEW this while I was doing it.
I just want to sleep already...