lmao Anyway... yeah, "personal development."
This is something I got introduced to in 2005 and really started to hit it hard a couple years later. I could not pin an exact time at this point, when I got really serious about, probably cause it was a gradual process. I think. I really don't know. I didn't track what I was doing, I just got into learning and kept going. More answers led to more questions and so on.
Now... I can see from my posts, that balance and center was an increasingly popular theme and more important to me as I developed in maturity and my understanding of the universe. Until recently, I would have said I've become very balanced and centered, but I sort of let that get shaken up a little bit. So I'll be making some new strides in my development. Namely in the areas of confidence and selfishness. Selfish, romantically anyway. I still love people in general and have no problems with friends and such. But romantically I think my generation (or maybe it's humanity) is bogged down with garbage and I just don't feel like anyone deserves what I tended to give. The equation has been entirely unbalanced for way too long.
But recent breakthroughs aside (yes, this is a breakdown now, but I will wield it to my advantage and have a breakthrough), I'm so much more at peace with the rest of the world. Eastern philosophy has become a major core to what I do in almost every aspect. Tao, buddhism, and the like. Apparently, according to Crystal, I have very much the kind of attitude typical of Yogis. And from what I've experienced of her, I probably have a better grasp on it than she does.
Well, I can kinda sum up things a little with this: I did a meditation exercise recently where the goal was to identify core philosophy and what came to me (I didn't choose, because I would've picked something different) was integrity. Within integrity is conviction, honesty and loyalty. Living up to promises, no matter how small or how bad they were (unless someone will get seriously hurt following through). For instance, changing my name, by the time I did it was more a matter of conviction at that point than anything I really had an innate desire to do. Especially compared to how badly I wanted to do it before. And I've been trying to apply that sense of honor to other areas of my life as well.
Sara actually helped me as well. She taught me that college is a way to become invaluable to a certain market, and I wish I would have learned that lesson long again. I could've been so much more than I am now, but luckily it's not nearly too late. There's so much time yet to come!
Now... there's a HUGE development step I've taken over the years and continue to do so. Always focusing on the positive as soon as I've done as much I could about the negative. When I saw my stuff from my teenage years and early twenties.... BOY was I negative... and pissed. At everything. I didn't even remember thinking like that at this point and I actually laughed at myself because I was so all over the place. I'm not nearly like that these days.
In fact, until recent circumstances, nothing really shook me. I managed to carry me weather with me, and actually, even now I still managed to put a smile on. Most of me is at peace, even if part of me is going through some very dramatic and violent changes.
My romantic temper is going through a squall right now.
I think it will be over soon though. I just have too much to do.
That's one thing I will probably be forever grateful to Crystal for though. She gave me a sense of value in a career, that no one else before was ever able to do. And that's a value I needed. Everything would be so much easier if I was on a predictable career path. So that's a very big positive spin on what is feeling like a very negative experience.
Interestingly, what started my PD quest (business) is something I now have an incredibly good mind for. Most of the time when I learn something about business I'm not learning anything new, just solidifying the knowledge I'd already gained. I think I can start to trust my intuitions now, more than I tend to. I've noticed in recent years that the gap between what I absolutely know and what I suspect is diminishing. That's going to take some getting used to.
At this stage my development though, the focus is almost exclusively on self-confidence. That is my singular biggest shortfall and I really need to do something about it. So that's where I'm at now.
In my life right now, a big chapter is closing and a new, and dramatically expanded chapter is beginning. It will be up to me to see the world as it is and adapt accordingly. I still want big success and some power to change the world around me, but in some respects, the tiered model that my father was so obsessed with deserves more respect than I give it, until I have the power to change things to fit my ideal vision instead of me fitting into society's sick vision. And as much as my heart is full of love for people, I am not delusional about this. society IS sick.