but I guess that's what this journal is for sometimes. I'm not finished nearly, with my subject based posts, but I need to vent and hopefully clear my head.
Crystal is leaving me for Bill. Another predictable outcome to a relationship. She never gave me a fair chance because of what that guy did to her, now she's diving back in.
Crystal was the last chance for me. when she finally messaged me back, I was pretty much ready to draw the line and say it's time to retire the nice guy routine, but I thought maybe she might be one person who would appreciate it. Well... bullshit. That woman doesn't exist. And now I AM retiring the nice romantic guy.
I'm just tired of trying to be everything I'm supposed to be only to have nothing given to me that makes it worth it. I mean... I literally gave this girl everything I've got and she never opened up or let me in. I had to "prove myself" to her, but she seemed to feel no need to do the same for me. WHAT THE FUCK!?
But I know what the fuck. What the fuck is no one cares if you're a nice guy or not. It's a superficial world and I'm not a superficial guy. But... I'm now completely and utterly convinced that the women of this world don't DESERVE a nice guy. NONE of them. And it's certainly not OWED to any of them.
There are a lot of unfortunate truths here that it's time I accept:
1) If I stop being a nice guy, chances are I'll be treated BETTER.
2) What I value just doesn't fit in. I don't fit in.
3) The world is superficial and women don't want something deep, they want to be bought.
4) I hate women at this point. A very small, but strong part of me resents them all... and as a result of that I'll probably be more attractive to them. And I hate them for that too.
No more sharing, no more giving. It's time things were given to me. It's time I was the user and not the used. This bullshit has gone on long enough.
Here's what REALLY GETS ME!!!!
Bill... is Mr. Money. That's all he's got over me! THAT'S IT!! But she's totally head over heels. Well fuck it... I can buy a wife too.
Anthony, was ABUSIVE! And she put up with it for 7 YEARS!!! Well fuck it... I can be abusive too.
And this is the thing... she values BOTH of these guys more than me! Bill left her TWICE in two months, but FUCK me because of what HE DID!!!
I FUCKING HATE IT!!!
I'm done. And that's all there is to it. I'm not going to go out of my way to be an asshole, but the nice guy stuff is done. The flowers, the poetry of words, the compliments, the lavishing of attention... I'm done. Just fucking done. This conclusion was a long time coming and I never should have given things "one more chance" but I'm a stupid asshole (aka a nice guy). Well not anymore. Romance, as I see it, is dead. This is a dead world. A superficial hole that I don't belong in and don't want to be in.
Now... I'm sure there may be a woman or two out there who understands this and agrees and is willing to treat a nice guy the way he deserves, but I don't care at this point. I hate being a nice guy and I'm not willing to wait to meet this woman before I'm treated the way I've earned being treated.
I'm.... so..... done....