Oh.... a big one!
I know this is a dramatic jump to go from talking about girlies to the very deep recesses of philosophy, but hey... that's me for you.
Although, it's also partly appropriate, since some of my romantic experiences recently have had a huge impact on my evolving philosophy, but I'll get there in a second.
So let's build from very early on and hopefully I don't miss much. I KNOW I'll miss some things, because this is just too big a topic.
I'm going to work from about the time I originally started writing this journal. It was about at fifteen years old that I solidified my core beliefs/convictions and funny enough, even my supposedly changeless core has evolved over time, but most of that has been intentional.
The most obvious change is all the anger. It's pretty much gone. When I was a young teenager and even well into my twenties, I was consumed by bitterness, anger, and resentment. I was sick of people and borderline heartless. I would have said, back then, that I hate people, but I think I just hated the things they did and how they treated me because, in truth I actually loved people and held them to higher standards than they seem to hold themselves to.
I hated every established system or authority. I saw all these rigid systems as shackles, that once again, people abused and misused and were used by. A lot of this is unchanged, but I don't blame the systems so much anymore as I do people. I love people and do believe they're genuinely good inside, or at least try to be... but most folks are dumb asses and decidedly lazy and selfish. Though, I mostly see it as a cultural issue and a failure of ignorance, more than the potential quality of people.
Actually, I've come to the conclusion that most major issues we face as a nation, or a species (at this point; nations might be an obsolete concept), can be traced back to some cultural phenomenon or improper education. For instance, more than anything, I think gun violence in the country stems from our military fetish and massive national defense budget. No other country spends so much on instruments of war... is it any surprise, really, that we have some of the worst violent crime statistics?
Funny enough, reading through my old posts, I saw this increasing interest in the concept of having a center/balance/peace with things. I've pretty much achieved it. Though, I'm not perfect... it's still possible to push my buttons, but it's certainly not easy to do. Especially not the way it used to be and I'm pretty happy about that.
I guess we'll talk some of the more recent changes.
When Bonnie broke up with me last time, my friend Matt from Austin suggested I read "The Way of the Superior Man" which introduced me (for the first time ever) to the concept of really being a man and living for mission before everything else. It was almost like I was given permission to be a little self-centered, or at the very least it put the idea in my head that living to make loved ones happy first was causing me unnecessary hardship. In other words... I should have been willing to tell Bonnie to fuck off a long time ago and focused like a laser on what I wanted for myself, regardless of how she felt about and the irony is, if I'd done that, we might still be together. I'm still kind of in the process of defining my mission, but I know I have to do something big. I can't be mediocre in my execution of my life because the intellectual gifts I've been given are anything but. For that reason, Buckminster Fuller has become an idol of mine. Which... I should probably do a little more reading up on the man.
Shortly after that break-up though, I had another significant inspirational thought as a direct result of romantic involvement... this time with Sara.
I must say.... thinking about her isn't easy. She was my perfect woman. I don't miss her, but I do... if that makes sense.
But here's what I learned from her, or rather the epiphany that she inspired: I had wrong ideas about school. I wish things could have been different and someone, somewhere along the lines could have given my appreciate for higher education sooner, but it didn't happen that way. What Sara made me realize, was that if I had made a good, well-informed choice in education, getting a college degree could have given me the leverage I needed to make myself completely indispensable in the working world. Which is a much better place to be than where I find myself today. Given my skills and abilities, I would have only had to pick something that very few people, except someone like me, could have ever done. Astrophysics anyone? Or any such field of that caliber. Something technical! I have the mind and not a lot of people do. I didn't see college as holding any value, and perhaps intrinsically it doesn't. But I could have made something of it. I've decided that a college degree still doesn't make anything of a person, but perhaps the right person can make a major impact with the right degree. I could've been doing Discovery Channel interviews for all I know! Point is, I've learned the value of an education. Luckily for me... no such things as too late!
One thing I have also learned about myself, or at least recently labeled: I'm an efficiency freak. I HATE wasting the slightest bit of time on anything. It makes me nuts.
Actually, something else interesting to note. I recently did a meditation exercise to find out what my truly core guiding principle was. And this is above all else. I actually didn't have a preconceived notion on this one, it just came to me the way it was supposed to. The principle is integrity. Now... I talk about it alot and make no secret that it's important to me, but I really figured it would be something else as my core. And as a matter of fact, when it came to me, I tried to start to push the idea towards something more success driven or based on some contribution to mankind, but while those things are very important to me, there was no changing this thought in my head. Integrity is everything to me, whether I want it to be or not.
Something else that's been a psychological struggle for me recently! Doubting myself. Second guessing/humbling myself.
The gap between what I know and what I suspect has gotten smaller and smaller as time goes on. I often feel like I give myself too much credit and I can't be that right all the time (mostly, I think, because all my old loser friends tried to tear me down), so I put the notion in my head that maybe I'm wrong.... but it almost never works out that way. There has been only ONE exception to that, and it's the woman I'm currently dating. Crystal is so unique and (I would say) so much higher caliber than most other people that she just doesn't fit into the common average molds and profiles i have for people. She has integrity and conviction to a degree that most other don't and I don't ever really have to interpret her intentions. She make them known and sticks by what she says, which is VERY weird. Especially for a woman.
But other than her, I can predict anyone's actions and often times even their thoughts. But I have a voice conditioned in my head telling me I can't. And that makes me a little pissed. I'll never forget my history teacher (at Brookdale) telling me, "you don't have to write things like, 'as far as I can tell,' or, 'in my opinion,' because, he said, I know it's your opinion because you're writing it. That's obvious. And that made me think, "it IS obvious!" Which really pissed me off because all my (now former) friends always gave me so much crap for giving my input. Like I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or know something!
But I've also come to realize how frightened most people are by any new information. Their entire world is based on what they think they know and anything that threatens that reality is responded to with extreme prejudice. Most people are not willing to be wrong about anything and therefore not willing to see the world differently than they do, which ultimately means they have stopped learning.
One more thing I want to touch on before I call this complete. My core philosophy (other than integrity) has become an effort towards a zen-like peace. I want to be centered and formidable like a mountain, but free and flowing like water.
And I'm happy to say I've mostly achieved that. I'm happy being happy and carrying my weather with me, but it's also very rare I'm finding, so I'm often having to reject the negative energy of other people. Funny enough, I don't think I ever noticed just how dramatically negative people really are until I started trying to be positive. And I KNOW without any doubt that part of that is just Jersey. Really don't like it here.
Anyway... that's a brief on that. The tenants of my core philosophy are as follows:
>being a creative source
So, there it is.
Oh! There is one last thing. (See? There's too much! I HAVE to forget SOMETHING or I'll be here all night)
Actually, scratch that. My next post will be on personal development and I'll dive into all that.
"The opposite of winning, is not losing. The opposite of winning is not even trying." Stephen Covey
Oh.... a big one!