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|Tuesday, December 12th, 2017|
feeling: restless, surprised, unloved, not wanted
It finally hit me tonight. A clarity about this feeling about my intimate relationship with Nicole.
First though: I haven't been able to sleep very well tonight. I've been trying. Finally went to bed with Nicole (I've been sleeping mostly alone on the couch). We cuddled up (which she says she wants more of), made out a little (which she said she wants more of), then tried to sleep. And I've been having the weirdest nightmares and most fitful sleep I swear I've ever had. I don't remember these dreams, except the most recent one. And it wasn't bad, but it was completely fantastical.
I remember a room being full of water, with crap (grass clippings and flower petals as if they'd been cut by a lawn mower) floating around the room in the water. It was completely open to the other rooms, but the water wasn't going anywhere. It was me and Nicole, just walking in it, like it wasn't water. We did something, the water drained super fast, but the debris remained floating in the air and just began to float around and sparkle, shine, and glow. It was actually quite beautiful, but it felt like a nightmare. I felt horrible and was jostled awake again.
For some reason, Nicole was too. She went to the bathroom and did her thing, and I followed her to brush my teeth because my mouth felt awful.
And it was after I was done, I was coming back to bed and I caught a vision of Rain in my mind. I felt her affection on me, all of a sudden, then a brief feeling of something similar from Bonnie (but no image). I saw Rain, though, almost as clearly as if I was looking at her, and had a massive flashback of our sex life, compressed into a single moment. I saw the pattern and now I know the difference.
With my past love life, of course, there were times when I wanted sex and my partner didn't (like all the time now), but it didn't hurt back then. And there was a huge difference.
I just tried to navigate away from the page.
I think I've been avoiding this subconsciously, and don't want to face it now.
That's something I usually do when I'm trying to get some work done that I want to avoid.
The difference is in my other relationships (particularly with Rain), there was no question: I was desired. I was wanted. Even when we weren't going to have sex, there was no question that love, desire, passion, etc., were not being denied. With Nicole... I now realize that's not the case at all. With her, those feelings are so clearly denied, but I wonder....
Are they denied only in that moment? Or all the time?
When I think about it.... sex between us is the most connected I ever feel to her, and outside that... it's like any semblance of love is some precarious balancing act. Literally an act!
I feel like she's so on guard, all the time, that maybe I built up sex as the proof of the love that I'm just not experiencing otherwise. And that's why rejection hurts so much.
This gives me a sleu of thoughts.
I've been missing Rain so much (almost this entire relationship), but all of a sudden, a little less. I think I've just been missing the feeling of love and affection. Connection... Being wanted. There was never a question with her.
And as soon as there was (like with Bonnie), I knew, I felt it, I expressed it, and something was done about it. Or (like Sara) the relationship ended.
I've never remained in a relationship like this.
That felt like this.
It's quite a problem.
I've never been very confident this relationship was going to last.... (at least not since the very beginning) and this is like another nail in the coffin.
I wish I had better options in front of me, but I've really dug myself into quite a hole. At this point, I either stay here, go into a homeless shelter, or move in with my parents. Three, really tough options.
The main reason I don't want to turn-tail and run is that I owe this girl so much money. She's gotten in to so much debt because of me and I just won't leave her in it. When we met, I told her my goal is to always leave people better than I found them. That would be doing the exact opposite, and that idea is just too painful to face. It's like I've ruined every life I've touched, as an adult.
I think tomorrow, I'm just going to call my dad and spill the beans. I need advice. And whether I take it or not, it's an objective opinion, and I really need one. Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, December 6th, 2017|
I don't have any consistent thoughts tonight.
On one hand: I'm annoyed because I'm in this shitty situation, and it's going to continue being shitty for quite a while. Trying to be at peace with it and do the best I can for now, but it annoys me.
I've been trying to clean for what seems like a week now.
It's this back and forth process, and it's been project size the entire time. I keep getting close to done, but then I-don't-know-what happens.
I keep avoiding so many of the things I know I need to be doing. I don't understand. It would seem like I don't want things to get better, but it's more like... I don't want them to get worse, or stay the same, while I'm trying to improve them. I feel perpetually defeated.
I thought about my Aunt Pat earlier. I wish I had means to just go visit her regularly. I miss my family, and she's about the last one left from the reunions we used to have. My last chance to know these people.
Part of me holds the philosophy that human beings are all my family, and I don't have to be so beholden to this one, but whatever the cause, I feel a natural tie to family, and I at least want to know the stories. I do care. Even if I don't want to.
At the same time... I know I need to reform my family of friends. The people I'm genetically similar too are just as much strangers to me as any other human being on the planet. At least in terms of familiarity, socially, and emotionally.
Had another thought: I haven't had enough quiet time to myself to just think.
That's one thing I did when living with my father; and it's something I needed, and probably need. My living situation is just as stressful now as it was then. I need time to air out my thoughts, and dance with them in my mind.
I need to do a lot of things.
Creative expression comes to mind.
Need to play some video games.
Need to make some video games.
I would like to write, draw, learn Japanese and piano.
Bottom line: I'm really hungry to have a life, but I'm at odds with myself because I'm afraid I don't deserve it, or have a right to, right now. Like taking time for these things would take time away from the money I need to be earning, and the career I need to be building.
When I was a kid, I felt oppositely.
I USED to think how stupid it was that people gave up their fun and passions to work, so they could get back to those things (which they really enjoyed and cared about) later.
I wonder: would it be easier for me now to do the things I need to do, if I took the time to do the things I WANT to do? Is that reasonable? Is there even really an answer?
That's the problem with reality... no one can predict the future.
Then again.... I recently thought: that's NOT the problem. If we knew the future there would be no possiblities. Potential only exists in the chaos. The unknown. All of life's excitement, potential and possibilities only stem out of the unknown future; by necessity. Because if it was known, it wouldn't be possibility, or potential, it would just be destiny. Like watching a movie, or reading a book. To KNOW the future means there's no other way it could go. And I KNOW I don't want that.
I end this one feeling exactly the same way I did when I started; despite having gone through different feelings during. Current Mood: blah
|Tuesday, December 5th, 2017|
Feeling: confused, interested, curious, physically weak
I'm connecting a couple of obvious dots in a way I haven't before.
Thinking about all the things I've tried to do, and bombed (often for lack of consistent trying), I realize how impossible it all, so often feels. And part of the problem is I'm always in a rush for results. Like any good employee I want to be able to input x, and output y consistently. Even knowing intellectually, that isn't how business works, hasn't stopped me from needing it. It's like a pressure, an anxiety... a desperation, really. I need results NOW.
The sudden difference is that I had this thought: Anything is doable, given enough time to do it.
Upwork is doable, if I just learn and try and try and try.
At least that's the specific venture I had the thought about, as I'm desperately trying to figure out how to get some solid money coming in. I've given myself 3 current available ventures, and a fourth I'm brewing. Anything else is really a side project. Even 3-4 is a lot though, so I'm trying to figure out how to focus my time. The MCA thing is going to take time to build. I can't focus there primarily. A job search is a search; not a job. So I have to put consistent effort there, but can't focus on it. I could drain all my resources on a gamble, doing that. Effectively working full-time to get a part-time job, which seems absurd to me. Looking at it this way, Upwork seems like the path of least resistance, but damn... I've tried in the past and gotten nowhere.
But then that's the sudden epiphany. I started thinking: if I really kept trying and trying, eventually I would have to figure it out. If it was beyond me, no one would be able to make money at it. Even if it's harder now, than when the site started (as a thought), it's still an opportunity available. And I've made many jobs work in the past.
Momentum is a thing. I just.. have none.
What's worse is it feels like I have reverse momentum. Like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill.
Except with me, I get to the first incline and just lose all hope, and give up.
It's too hard.
It will take too long.
The result is that it's taken me forever to get absolutely no where.
It's funny when I see that laid out. Legitimately funny. Laughable.
What do I do...?
So much doubt...
Fucking... immediate gratification is a disease. And I don't know how to function otherwise. Current Mood: annoyed
|Monday, December 4th, 2017|
I fear I have gotten used to misery... Current Mood: Searching
|Saturday, December 2nd, 2017|
|A life, reviewed
Feeling: tired, innundated, thoughtful
Once again, it's been almost a year.
I've noticed that I tend to falter on doing these when my sense of doing them becomes too lofty, or some significant change takes place in my life (Hurricane, move to NY, move in with Nicole). And I always come back to it in my most desperate hours. But it's a little different this time: I opened up my Live Journal because I wanted to remember my past.
This is going to be a long entry, because there are a lot of things I was thinking about to begin with and now I have even more.
I will try to start from the most logical beginning point.
So... I am finally in therapy, but not seemingly going anywhere.
In fact, I'm making more progress through my own personal musings, than anything actually taking place in the sessions. Though, maybe it's going to therapy that is opening those doors. Who knows?
Regardless; an important feeling has come into my awareness in the past year.
I was at my best when I was 20 years old.
And I don't necesssarily mean that in terms of everything. I've definitely matured. But I was the most confident and most self-accepting. I was strongest. And this is simultaneously the core of my therapy sessions, and why I wanted to revisit this journal. I want to remember who I was, how I thought, what I did, etc. I want to remember that person, that mindset, and all my habits, behaviors, and concerns.
In some ways, I've gotten some answers.
In a quick side note though, I went further and read all (or most) of my entries from there (2002) forward. And I simultaneously saw the progression, but was also dissappointed to realize how much I missed. So among my thoughts doing this exercise, I realize I need to just chill and do things the way I do them that works for me. Which I'm learning is a major theme behind how I'm fucking up my own peace. Because I'd rather have a more complete record than doing this in some specific way that is going to knock me "off the wagon" as I so often wrote.
So what did I learn?
Well, I took notes, so I'll go through them in order, and then revisit that major theme.
First, I noticed I had significantly more passion and emotion.
And it may be just that I was more open, or more caught up in the dramas because I posted every day.
Or it may be something else I noticed which I'll get into later.
But the important trend is there. I was almost wild. I experienced feelings in a way that I don't even know if I can anymore. If it's an effect of age and maturity, then some of that is surely lost, and maybe that's okay. But I know there is a certain element of it that is simply avoiding my feelings. Why? I don't know. But maybe I can talk about this in therapy.
The second thing I noticed (which made me laugh) was my priorities.
When I got my job at KE the first time, one of the prime reasons I was excited about it, was because that was the month that Metroid Prime and Mortal Kombat were coming out. I was very plainly motivated by the games I wanted to play.
Or maybe more accurate to say the things I wanted to buy.
Or perhaps the experiences I wanted to have and share?
I realized recently how social gaming was for me, so perhaps it's just that I associated gaming with friendships.
Whatever the case, I think that's a useful tool and a good way to generate some cheap motivation for myself.
I really need to get away from language like that. But I'll get to that thought.
Next thing: I was super confused.
By seemingly everything.
Funny: I think that's still a feature of my life today.
I think this is really a feature of every one's life.
Perhaps it stood out to me because it was so much more pronounced than it is now. I definitely noticed the enourmous leap my writing took at one point. In more recent years it's like a totally different person. Even though there was a different turning point which I'll get to.
Here's one that jumped out at me, partly because I'd already been rolling it around in my brain: I was so much more prone to trying different things all the time, and perfectly happy to do it.
I've been thinking recently about how I suck fairly miserably at focus. It's something I've been fighting so hard, for so long, I'm just miserable with myself. The result, of course, is that I get nothing done because I constantly feel like a failure.
But back then I didn't give a shit.I did what I wanted to do. I did what made me happy, and I shared it with people where I could.
In fact, I found it interesting that I used LJ largely as a way to share things I was working on or doing, with people, the way people use social media now. On one hand, it made me wish I hadn't deleted my Facebook. On another, I'm glad I did because now I get to start over.
It's rather symbolic.
Like this is the start of my new life.
Or the rest of it?
Anyway, next is a second note I wrote on my video game purchasing habits.
Gaming is a big part of what makes me happy. That's clear reading my journal, and really... duh! I think everyone knows that.
But it's something I feel like I've partly neglected and partly developed a lot of shame over. Some of the shame probably stemming from the fact that I use it to escape some of the more important things that I struggle to face.
I want to back track one second.
I just remembered a recently unrelated thought, that now relates.
I was thinking recently about learning approaches. Thinking about school, and work, and how different they are.
I feel like I got fooled into believing in the limitations of my ability to learn things. For instance: I don't think I could learn Japanese and piano at the same time. But then... why
? Sure that's not optimal,
but it's exactly what we do in school. I've absorbed a lot of assumptions that seem to relate to the big theme I keep alluding to.
And I'm still only alluding.
The next note: I was quite obsessed with the basics.
These days I do still give myself credit for thinking outside the box, and having really well-developed spiritual philosophy.
But not much else.
And I suck with the lower levels of Maslow's hierarchy. Something multiple people have pointed me too over the years, suggesting I'm too focused on the top and neglecting the bottom, which must necessarily come first.
Honestly... I still don't know if money must
be first. At some point though, I was much better at focusing on it. And I was more confident, then. Which in terms of cause and effect, I believe, is chicken and egg. The important lesson I'm extracting from this is to put that basal content a little more into my central focus, and out of my perhiphery. I did better when I was consumed with basic necessity.
The next one I kind of already touched on, and that is how I used LJ to connect with people. So I won't belabor the point.
The next note was interesting. It was about Pre-Paid Legal, but more to the point, about community and progress. I wrote about how after the weekly briefings in Red Bank fell off, everyone who was going to them fell apart. Businesses that had momentum, stopped completely.
It makes me think about rituals, and maintainence of friendships and mastermind groups (for lack of a better term).
Basically anything that one wishes to have persist and grow or improve. It's like taking a bath; you have to do it on a regular basis.
Or more to the point, it's like developing anything. You have to constantly revisit it, stay on track, and maintain your relationships. Friends, business associates, whoever, should see each other on a weekly basis. Anything that is going to be cultivated in life needs to be maintained. And at least once a week seems to be something powerful.
Now... the next bullet is somewhat ominous and intangible. I noticed the turning point in my attitude and happiness.
The change clearly
took place sometime after my first year living in Stony Hill. And the change was dramatic.
Now... I can speculate all day. And I have.
Is it because I moved back in with my father (a recurring theme of misery in all
Is it because I failed to have success in Pre-Paid Legal?
Does it have to do with my employment history?
Or does it relate to my friends abandoning me?
Or... does it have to do with the big theme?
...which I guess, it's a good time to get into.
There's one other note about Mauritius, but no details. So that's just going to have to go on the travel bucket list and I'll see for myself.
But the big theme....
The thing I KNOW went wrong and may actually relate to everything else...
Over the last 10 years, (and perhaps my whole life) the consistent theme has been that I'm not okay as who I am.
This is how my entire relationship with my father has always been.
This was the early feedback I seemed to get from the people who wanted me to be "coachable".
It's the message I got when all my friends abandoned me.
It's how I approached and thought about personal development. (rather than adding to who I was, I felt I needed to change who I was)
And when I think about it, it has informed and colored the attitude with which I approach everything in my life. Even down to the way I write these. I'm always saying things about how I want to do this or that, based on what I'm learning, or what someone else did.
Case and point: my last journal entry was me making promises to change what I was writing about and how.
And I seemed to have a habit of castrating myself for simply writing out my thoughts in the way that was natural to me.
I complained too much, or was too negative, or didn't do it often enough, or whatever.
Even so much....
Here's the thing: I really thought about this journal in particular.
I've tried so many ways of journaling. Success log, five minute journal, writing it out, video journaling... whatever. I've been trying to find the way to 'do it right' and making it such a chore.
When I first started this LiveJournal account, I didn't do it because I felt like I had to. I did it because it made sense to me. I did it because I wanted to, and I used it the way I wanted to.
I drew comics, because I wanted to.
I played video games because I wanted to.
Joined PPL because I wanted to.
Took and quit jobs because I wanted to.
Learned Japanese, watched anime and hentai, took CAD and computer science, learned photoshop, etc., because...
I. WANTED. TO.
These weren't techniques. It wasn't me trying to get things right, or follow someone else's program.
Ironically (sarc), when I did the things I wanted to do, I was more confident about who I was.
And maybe that's why I liked the book "Morning Rituals" so much. Here's a book full of great, successful, creative people, who all have their own, entirely unique ways of doing things.
See... the big theme that I see here, is simple (and complete) self-acceptance in all things.
I have my way of doing things, and things that I want to do. And for some reason I got it into my head that, that wasn't what I should be doing.
Now, how deep this goes, I don't know. There's got to be a happy middle ground. We all need to grow. But I think I fundamentally fucked up and changed growth into an image of cutting out, reshaping, or hiding things about myself, instead of simply adding to what's already there, or empowering it to reach out further into the world. Hypothetically speaking, I carved up and multilated my person, instead of cultivating it.
And the truth is...
The thing that I'm trying to assure myself I believe...
Which I think I used to, is that: I'm fine as I am.
I used to defend myself, tooth and nail, right or wrong. And maybe that's slightly immature, and I can be more sophisticated about it today, but the philosophy isn't wrong:
The only person I can be!
And I'm here to be that person, for better or worse, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks about it.
If all my exposure to all the success stories of the world has taught me anything for sure, it's that there's not really one right person to be in order to make a success of oneself. But consistently... the people who are the most successful seem to be extraordinarily good at being themselves. Like the Scottish woman in the TED talk said.
In fact... one sec, I need to post it.
Such a good one. Going to listen to it when I'm done with this.
Which I almost am.
In fact, I am... but I want to close it less abruptly.
I guess one thing I can note here, is that doing all this has given me an interesting sense of clarity. For whatever reason, this idea of self-acceptance that previously seemed so important and impossible, now seems just as important, but so obvious and easy.
I guess up to this point I had some weird internal negotiation going on about how do I get back to self-acceptance, while simultaneously not losing all the progress I've made trying to develop into a better, more capable person. And funny.... the answer is there. I realize, (at least for me) there's such an important distinction between developing
as a person and changing
. The latter being what I've been trying to do to myself, and that seems to have just made me feel like complete shit about myself.
So screw it. I'm just going to do things my way.
I am who I am, it got me where I am because of everything I've gone through and all the ways I've fucked up. I can't undo it, it doesn't make me a bad or wrong person, and I know... I'm more than enough to fix it.
I used to think this way... and I'm starting to believe it again. The things that are my challenges, my weirdness, etc... are also my advantages. I do things differently, and as I've learned, that means I have less competition. Afterall, who's better at being me, than me? And that's where all my winning will happen. I am my advantage.
Words of Wisdom: "Hide not your talents, they for use were made; what good is a sundial, in the shade?" ~Benjamin Franklin
|Wednesday, December 21st, 2016|
|If you have a hero look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.
This line came up in a freind's post on Facebook.
Something he'd gotten out of a book, among a list of about 100 other ideas, but this one stood out like a tower in a desert. I instantly realized it was true. And it hurts. I don't want it to be true. I like having idols and something to aspire to...
Or at least, that's what I want to say.
That's my knee-jerk reaction.
The problem is I know better. It's so clear how true it is. I immediately saw how I was removing from my character, all the traits I saw in them that I was telling myself I don't have. But what determines that really? What limits or opens up one's capacity? Surely, there are factors, but what's possible for one is possible for another.
I immediately saw how all those things were already in me, just crying to come out. Some more buried than others, and yes, not instinct. But they also didn't feel unnatural. I realize, personal traits one wants to cultivate are less about learning something and more about unlocking it.
I want to be like Tim Ferriss in ways, Tony Stark, Elon Musk, Ben Franklin, Buckminster Fuller... on and on the list goes. So I look at them as something to aspire to. But that's wrong. They're not made of different matter. Their brains functions by all the same processes as mine. the chemicals that produce different emotions and mental states are all the same. There's no difference in the biological substance; which is to say what's in them is in me.
It changed my thinking from seeing a matter of something I'm lacking to seeing that it's stifled. I'm holding back.
In a way.
It doesn't fully make sense yet. It seems so easy, and probably is, but then my brain is on overdrive. How can it be easy? Look at this difficult history. Look at my struggles. I can let them go like that? All that time wasted!
What a tragedy!
At least... that's the dance that plays out.
Only the first is true though, isn't it? It's really as easy as just changing my mind.
I don't see how it can
be more complicated than that. There's just pain/regret that wants it to be more complicated.
I want to let go of having heroes.
Still trying to sort out what that means for having mentors (I previously have seen them as quite one and the same). This, hero worship has certainly kept my self-image small. Though I think it happened the other way around first.
Low self-image led to hero worship.
But now what?
Am I my own hero now? That seems a little silly.
Am I on the same level with my heroes?
Something about that term is rattling around in my brain now. Something seems broken about it.
Why have a hero?
They make me feel better. Like more is possible.
But it's out there.
What about me?
This relates to something I've been thinking about this. Changing the way I look at people from aspiration to something more like a reminder. Like rather than trying to improve to be more like them, just... remembering that maybe I already am. Or at least I can be.
And it's not a matter of being anything or anyone else, just a matter of finding something already in there. Some dormant capacity. A self-refinement.
If I really think about it, it seems obvious that anything that's not already in me, can't be a part of me. A person might be able to develop such things, but they will be obviously fake. A ruse. These are the people that are clearly acting, or manipulating. They've always been insufferable to me.
This is interesting! I'm thinking about it now. It's similar to a lesson I learned about weight loss.
You can't have Brad Pitt's abs, for instance. Those are his genetics, that's what his body looks like when he loses weight. There's no way to replicate that, unless that's what your genetics do.
Likewise... perhaps what confidence looks like on me is totally different from what it looks like on other people. Same with many many things. Maybe trying to be like someone else is just as foolish as trying to have their body.
Then, it's not a matter of being like other people. It's about finding those traits in each individual and helping them express the way they would in that person.
So I can't replicate my idols... in a manner of speaking.
It's not about duplication, replication, or emulation. I can't be them.
The only thing I can really cultivate then, is action.
Certain actions will develop certain traits. That's a natural law.
My mind is racing back through various lessons now. The different levels of this leading to that, ultimately culminating in what makes you the way the world sees you.
I think I'm finally starting to understand...
The importance of action.
Importance isn't the right word... it's more like... omnipotence.
It's a dictator. Everything flows from there first.
Habits are all that truly matter then. In the end.
It seems like this:
Philosophy is great. Amazing even. But we have to live in the real world. So philosophy has
to flow out into action, or it's utterly useless. But action leads to consequences, and external responses which will necessarily feedback in one's philosophy. Or, at least, back into one's wisdom. Maybe, then, philsophy is the way we decide how to use wisdom.
I'm laughing at myself now.
If all this is true, for all how long I've thought the opposite, I've been grossly lacking in wisdom. At least, as an adult.
When I was a kid and didn't have adult responsibilities and obligations, I was way ahead. But I've gotten further and further behind with age.
I've lacked action. Which is unwise.
This is an interesting revelation.
[Philosophy>Action>Wisdom] Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, August 14th, 2013|
|If you're reading...
I need to make something very clear here. I opened up my journal on Facebook to encourage interaction, so I could get other people's insights and some perspective. I use this as a very personal journal, If you're reading, and not commenting, there's a term for that and it's lurking. That is not welcome here. I'm not opening my life up so people can essentially spy on me. I've made my journal private in the past and I will do so again if I need to. If you're reading, I need to see comments on this entry so I know who you are.
There are only two exceptions (because I already know), but anyone else.. if you're reading and not commenting, that's flatly, rude and creepy.
|Tuesday, August 13th, 2013|
|Quick post (long one probably coming soon)
Having a wild time of things.
I'm in this place again, wondering if what I'm trying to do in business is just far too incongruent with who I really am. I'm wondering if I'll really make an impact blogging about micro-hacks. Well... actually, what I'm wondering is if that's where I'll make the MOST impact. Maybe I should be doing something in gaming? Like G4, but actually about games and a good show about games.
Heh... G4 is the MTV of gaming channels now.
I know this... I have GOT to focus on one thing. And that's the commitment that's keeping me on target with my current blog. I've got the blueprint, I just need to follow it. I'd be an ass if I didn't.
We'll see what happens. I need to focus and get my ass in gear.
So much work to do.
(PS- Sam, I know you're reading. Yes, I am that smart. :p )
|Saturday, August 10th, 2013|
|Too far down maybe...
I've been kinda scatter brained the past couple days.
I took some extra time a couple nights ago to spend with a lady friend. I guess we're dating, though nothing official. Current Mood: thoughtful
Problem is... being up so late really rocked my schedule. I've been totally out of it since and stressed out of my mind trying to figure out how to make up for it.
Answer: I can't. That time is gone.
It made me really respect how far behind I am though. I have so much work to do in order to catch up with where I want to and need to be that I'm not sure I have time for anything else right now.
I'm working, but the job is all wrong. It's not a job I can or will ever be able to do well, the hours are all wrong, and I'm not making much. BARELY enough to get by really. And even that... maybe not.
So I have to find a job that fits my needs. THAT'S a heavy load by itself.
Then there's school. I'm trying to get enrolled in the fall semester and I want to go to night classes, but this schedule is rocking me. I can go during the day, but *fart noise* that. If I have to, then I have to, but I really don't want to have to. (Gotta get that new job).
In the meantime, I have a lot of paperwork and crap to do for them in order to get back in and attend in the fall. That's a decent load of work as well and time is running out.Not to mention the burden it will be once I finally do get enrolled and have to attend classes do homework and whatnot.
Then there's Empower Network. AKA my home business opportunity.
I've got a really leadership team for a change, with real people and some honest to God training. I'm actually confident that this will work for a change, but it's going to take a consistent effort over time and it's going to take time. I can't folly on that though. I have to work it.
So when I consider all this... I wonder to myself, "how can I spare any time for anyone?"
Though... it might not be all that bad.
The problem is scheduling. What I really know I can't do is stay up late. It just won't fit.
I have to focus.
"I have never so admired another's fortune that I don't appreciate my own." ~Cicero
|Friday, August 9th, 2013|
I've faced some pretty brutal disappointments recently. It doesn't look like this job I wanted at KE is going to happen. I'm horribly torn right now wondering, do I have to accept starting over from the bottom again, or should I be fighting it and keep reaching for something better? Color me confused at this point. And annoyed.
I guess all I can do is all I can do. Just keep trying and running at that wall until it breaks. One way or another.
I've still got plenty of other opportunity to chase so I suppose that's the story I should be focused on. It's tough though. Current Mood: melancholy
|Wednesday, August 7th, 2013|
|Lots of noise = quiet?
I had an interesting experience I wanted to document from earlier today. It's really late, but this was significant.
I went up to North Jersey to High Point State Park, which is the highest elevation point in the state. My thinking was to get up and out of civilization, away from all the noise and see some sights. Part one was a success, the second part not so much. The park is lame.
But that's not what got my attention. Before I ever got there, when I started getting up into the hills of North Jersey, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn't want to hear my music anymore.
I realized something immediately. I play music all the time, to drown out the rest of the noise I don't want to hear.
For a while I interpreted my predilection for loud music as some part of me trying to be extraverted, but it seems more like it's the introvert trying to find private space.
I previously though that maybe I was listening to too much music and just filling my head with noise. Now I wonder if it's been one of the few things keeping me sane.
That's pretty much all I wanted to say. It was a really mind altering experience and I've decided that, that being the case, I need to be a lot more mindful of my choice of music. I've been listening to a lot of metal and it may have something to do with recent increases in vulgar language. It can't be ruled out. If that's my recharge space, it makes a difference what I'm recharging on. Current Mood: sleepy
|Tuesday, August 6th, 2013|
Today has left me feeling kinda weird. Somewhere between scatter brained and accomplished. Current Mood: tired
Sniffing... I know one thing beyond a doubt. I GOTTA do my laundry somewhere else. I can smell Bill's poor hygiene on me, which means it's in my clothes. Cause I'm sure as shit not rubbing up against the guy. Just.... disgusting.
I got a lot done this morning, but paid the price in sleep.
I have to AVOID Lynn late at night. She can't stop talking and I can't blame her when someone with Dementia is her only company all day, but damn... I just can't be that much of a crutch for anyone right now. Especially if I'm going to make good on my promises and improve my situation. I owe her so much, but she looks for very uncomfortable supports from me sometimes. In the end, I gladly do it if it's what she needs, I just wish we could find some way that wasn't so... bad timing and....
well, because of who she is and who I am, our ways clash horribly and it's incredibly stressful, but I really do owe her.
I hate being in debt...
Getting off topic. I'll talk about Lynn another time.
A lot of things have been making a lot of sense ever since I embraced who I am. I've even been a little more assertive in areas I wouldn't usually be. Not sure if THAT part of it is a good thing yet. I'll have to feel it out and make sure I don't become unreasonably hostile.
BUT... I like where I'm going.
I'm going back to school, not for a job per se, but because I want an education that will help me do something special and help others. I'm going for Physics. And probably Engineering. I'm not sure how all that will work out, but the idea is to get a technical/science degree and the knowledge that goes with it. Physics seems like a good place to start.
I'm working on my Empower Network blog finally and I've chosen that without anyone else's influence. When I looked at the companies and their structures and payout schedule, it just made sense to me.And right after making that decision, I find exactly the sort of training program I've been looking for and needing.
I'm finally (for the first time this year) AHEAD of my bills. What an awesome feeling!
I'm free of women (I realized tonight). I saw a few couples at the diner tonight get all cute and cuddly, and normally when I'm single that sparks a fire in my mind, but I really didn't care tonight. That's kinda cool. I don't know if I've ever been that independent of my need for affection ever in my life. These recent romantic hardships were apparently a necessary lesson. I feel... strong? That doesn't feel like the right word, but it's close as my mind seems to be getting right now.
So... I'm making improvements. A lot of work to do still. I better get to it.
Been a busy day... maybe I ought to just get some rest.
Tomorrow is all about centering. Heading to High Point. Should be good.
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
|Saturday, August 3rd, 2013|
|The Plight of Leadership
Sometimes... it's time to lead.
Other times... it's time to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Just wanted to get that off my chest.
I've been feeling emboldened ever since I read that book about Introverts. It made a lot of sense of my behavior, made it okay to be one and kind of just fit right in with exactly what I was thinking and feeling: it's a GIFT not a CONDITION.
All that being an introvert means is I see the world different. I process things different and I interpret different. Current Mood: annoyed
The thing about that, is it means that my inputs and outputs translate differently and so what works for others isn't likely to work for me and vice-versa. And that's where this whole feeling comes in of: I'M NOT YOU, SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME LIKE YOU!!!
Unfortunately, a lot of this anger is toward my friend Matt from Texas. He's trying to help me develop, but I'm becoming convinced that he just flat-out doesn't know how. He's teaching me what works (for him and others like him), which makes sense and is to be expected, but he won't hear information from me. All he seems to be able to do is shoot me this high energy leadership preaching, which doesn't do me a damned bit of good.
I wish I could wake this world (country?) up to the FACT that there's more than one way to do things. And in fact, there HAS to be, otherwise anyone who is remotely different will never be able to adapt.
I've come up with this thought: there are as many paths to success as there are people.
And there HAS to be. This seems almost like a quantitative law! Especially if we're to believe in the power and importance of the individual and that everyone is different. This is really just simple math. Both sides of the equation must be equivalent, so if you change one side (the person) you must change the other (the path to success). I don't see any wiggle room for argument on that, but convincing people of it is an insane uphill battle.
Now... fair enough, I've never had success so I can't say things with any certainty, but there's also this... I HAVEN'T HAD SUCCESS! I've followed these prescriptions. I've "put my ego aside" and "been coachable" and still haven't had success. Maybe someone like me isn't MEANT to turn their brain (ego) off. Maybe I'm intuitive enough that that's precisely my source of power and I NEED it to succeed.
At least that's what I believe now.
And I just wish "leaders" would get that.
That's my ninja way. And any incongruency with that shakes my confidence to the core. An absolutely necessary tenant for any leader.
I'm just venting though.
I know it won't change.
I just need an outlet. It's tough to stick to what I know when so many people are telling me I'm wrong. But I've let that go before and it hasn't paid off yet. I have to be strong and stubborn this time and (if it works as I believe it will) for all time.
Cause in the end... I'm responsible for my own results. And that being the case... I think I'll go my own way this time.
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead, where there is no path and leave a trail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
|Friday, August 2nd, 2013|
I remembered a funny story. There was a girl, Donna, who lived upstairs (also my friend's GF) who drove me insane. I never met anyone so married to their misery and I couldn't stand to be around her. She was like a horrible pit of despair.
But the funny story is back when I first started talking to Crystal, we were to meet for a (second) date. I was chilling with Lynn (I should definitely write an entry about her) upstairs and joking about whether I should be fashionably late or not. Then Donna chimes in, something to the effect of, "if I ever have a date with a guy he should never be late."
I had to try SO hard not to bust out laughing. I still smiled and chuckled a little bit, but I was ready to die. Cause see... this girl wanted me and I wanted nothing to do with her or anyone like her. And for her to give me dating advice just blew my mind.
All I wanted to do was laugh in her face and tell her that if I ever wanted someone like her, I'd be sure to keep that in mind.
To this day (it was about 3 months ago) that still amuses the crap out of me. I don't know if it was because she was stupid for advising me, or because her advice was stupid, or the insanity for her to think I'd even want her advice or the insane narcissism for her to assume I'd ever want someone like her. Or maybe all of it. But it was just funny as HELL! Current Mood: amused
|Sunday, July 28th, 2013|
|What the fuck does it mean to be an introvert?
I've been pondering this thought the past week, largely because I've been listening to the audiobook of "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." And it's wild to hear this woman describe me so accurately so often and give explanation to these things.
I've also been wondering if I've always been this way. My mother says I wasn't, and I don't remember being introverted when I was young, but I don't remember EVER being extroverted either. So I'm not sure what's what there, but I'm pretty sure that, it's who I am at my core now. However I got there.
Oddly enough, I think I have enough extroverted capacities to not be completely useless in this American "extrovert ideal" as the book categorizes it. I feel adaptable. Which is so important.
But I also had it SQUARELY in my face today where the limitations of that exist.
I'm waiting tables. A decidedly NON introverted profession, but I handle okay for the most part. At least until it gets really busy.
Which it did tonight.
While there were only TWO waiters on. Both new, and one of which (me) who has no previous experience.
The REAL problem comes in with my boss' utter lack of sympathy and customers' sense of self-worth. IE: "I'm the most important person on the planet, why aren't you waiting on me hand and foot and getting everything RIGHT while you have ten other tables?"
Gee, fuckerball... I wonder.
And when I say my boss has no sympathy (or compassion for that matter), after the rush, while I was trying to get my blood pressure down (which took all night, really) she told me, blatantly, "you suck." Literally.
Now... I already know this, so the words weren't a shock. It's just the last thing I needed to hear when I was on the borderline of getting violent with people.
The kid who was hosting, sat me like three times in a row and looked at my section again when another group came in and I told him flat out, "don't sit me again. I swear, I'll kill you."
Which would have been funny, but I was beyond laughing at that point.
I haven't felt that burned out in a long time.
The funny thing is, that what really had me spent in the whole experience was maintaining an outward cool. Which I did. No customer saw anything, but smiles. I was just storming on the inside and ready to blow up.
It was tough.
And it made me realize... that work is not for me, or anyone like me.
It's time to move on.
I'm an introvert. I'm sensitive, calculating, analytical, careful, thoughtful and so on.
I perform better in a quiet atmosphere and work better one on one or even by myself, than in a group.
Groups and multi-tasking are distracting and inefficient. And people are often less competent than (except at waiting tables apparently) me.
I've been out of my element for too long, trying to develop traits that aren't inherently me.
Which is okay, I still want to do that...
But WHILE I develop, I think it's time I embrace my inherent STRENGTHS and go where I'm better suited to doing a good job. I'll never excel trying exclusively to fit shoes that were made for someone else.
What I mean to say is, I can and will expand my skills and capacities, but it's foolish to act like I already have while I'm working on it. I'm a proficiency freak. And not being good at what I do is a MAJOR distraction.
Bottom line is I need to embrace me while I improve who me is. Work from here while I move toward there.
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out...
...or does it?
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein Current Mood: restless
|Wednesday, July 17th, 2013|
|Confused by Existence
Something seems very off lately. And it's hard for me to describe exactly what it is I'm feeling or to make sense of it.
Things just seem very... fake, lately.
Like life isn't real anymore. Like... everything I've been doing, and thinking and experiencing and working for is all wrong.
I feel it at work, at night when I go to sleep, in my interactions with people... everything just feels off.
Like something's wrong, or something is missing. And I don't know what it is.
But it's keeping me up at night.
There are some things I know.
I know, romantically, I'm a fucking mess at this point.
I know, professionally, I'm not operating anywhere near my capacity or anywhere near what I know I should be doing, especially where my capabilities are concerned. $50 a night waiting tables? Nigga please!
I know, socially, I'm not getting out as much as I should. Spending time with friends and making new ones.
I know, as a father, I'm not seeing nearly enough of my son and he's not having a proper life. And I'm stuck on what to do there, especially when faced with the insanity that is his mother.
I know, financially, I've screwed UP. Now... I'm making strides, but DAMN did I ever screw up. When I think about having to face THAT monster... well.... nothing else overwhelms me more.
It could be all these things, and currently, that's my theory. That the life I've created is SO far from what I wanted to and could have created by now that it's REALLY messing with my head.
I think I've just been operating TOO much in conflict with who I am for too long. Crystal kinda made me aware of that, and now that I'm trying to get back in touch with that a little, while maintaining forward development and momentum, it's really screwing my mind up.
Lately... it also seems like I don't have enough time. I'm really not doing anything just for fun anymore.
Maybe that's it... I've been missing out on my joys.
I really don't know.
I feel lost right now, really. I've got such a stack of obstacles in front of me, I don't even know where to start at this point.
YA KNOW WHAT!
I know ONE thing that is throwing me off REALLY hardcore. This job I'm pining for over at K&E! It's like I'm stuck in limbo! I wanna get started there already, but I can't do shit! If I push too hard, they'll get frustrated, but if I'm not persistent, that might send a signal that I'm not really interested. Meanwhile, if I could just get THAT job it would solve my mental problems (incongruencies really) on the professional, financial and (part of) fatherly levels. It would mean a HUGE shift in my life in the RIGHT direction.
I was actually thinking about it tonight while I was trying to sleep. I'd be making $120 a DAY. What a different life that would make for. ESPECIALLY if I used my BRAIN for once and manage that money properly to get where I need to be. Invest and save and make a better life for myself and my son. And once I've gotten out of the muck, to even start giving back through charitable donations.
Though... I could always volunteer time. I suppose I should look into that. Maybe I'll feel better if I start accomplishing something worthy.
I've got so much shit heaped on my plate right now though... I really don't know how in the world I could add anything else...
God... what a mess.
I need to meditate or something.
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." His Holiness the Dalai Lama Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, July 9th, 2013|
Whenever I have posted about my dad in this journal, it was always bad news. And reading back through my journal it seemed like he was behind an unbelievably high percentage of the negative posts I had.
And it's sad... but updating on my relationship with my father is going to be another disappointing one.
I haven't talked to the man, basically since hurricane Sandy, but I'll get to that in a second.
We're missing years worth of information.
My relationship with my father never really hit a "good" place, but when Bonnie kicked me out of the house, he was here as a reluctant support.
Well.. let me rewind a little further.
Before I moved out of the house to live with Bonnie for the last time, I decided I wanted to make a shift in the dynamic of my relationship with my dad. So I completely reframed things and instead of trying to forgive him, I spent an entire night reflecting on all the positive contributions he made to my life and wrote him a thank you letter outlining everything that really meant a lot to me.
That actually seemed to make a small impact for a while.
Which is really to say that it made a significant impact, because for my father to noticeably change his behavior in response to one gesture is HUGE.
So back to my homeless days. He came up a couple times with the truck to help me move and supported me financially (from a court settlement he got from his accident). So I wasn't sleeping in my car the entire time, and eventually he gave me the security deposit for the apartment I got approved for. Things were decent.
Didn't hear much from him after that, but we were working together well and I was even collecting his rent from the house for him.
I had my stresses for the next two months, but nothing unbearable.
And WHAT a shitstorm.
EVERYTHING was destroyed for me, literally overnight.
And my father brings his high and mighty attitude up here to "save" my son, and pushes every single one of the wrong buttons, less than an HOUR after I'd just seen EVERYTHING I owned destroyed...
Oh, did I let him know how I felt about that.
Didn't care if he wouldn't like it.
Still don't. He was WAY out of line. From yelling at me cause I closed the car door too hard (which I apologized for and asked him not to come at me about trivial shit like that, which he interpreted as 'COME AT ME BRO!'") to telling me that I abandoned my son in the car cause I wanted to see my "stuff"... NOT because he needed diapers and his mother dumped him on me and took off somewhere that had heat.
RIGHT! I fucking climbed down into town, avoiding police, with my son alone in my car by himself, because I wanted to see my shit IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH NO POWER ANYWHERE EVEN THOUGH I COULD JUST DO IT THE NEXT FUCKING MORNING!!!!!MORON!!!!!
So I all, but told him to fuck off and didn't talk to him for six months.
Of course... I was still going to do the rent for him and other things I agreed to, but he played childish games and started taking care of that himself.
BUT! After six months I thought, enough was enough and it was time to get past it.
But not according to Daddy!
Nope! He still wanted his apology for me disrespecting him.
Sorry.... but fuck that!
It's that exact dynamic that allowed that situation to unfold the way it did. And I won't do it anymore. He owes me WAY more apology than I owe him.
And to him, this is a matter of respect.
Sorry dude, you earn respect. And the ability to procreate doesn't do it for me. The lowest forms of life on Earth are capable of that.
And unfortunately, that's where we stand on that....
Good times! Current Mood: cynical
|A letter to Bonnie
So last week I started chatting with Bonnie about taking primary custody of Link. His schedule has been a mess and obviously horribly stressful on him. I ASSUMED she would be in LOVE with the idea of having Link home with her and (she didn't know this), collecting a very generous child support payment from me. She chose today as when she wanted to get together and I agreed.
She's nowhere to be found.
I'm really spinning my brain thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK!?"
If I'd been given an opportunity like this I would've went balls to the wall wild jumping at it.
To my mind, this is a HUGE glaring example of why she has no business taking care of him. My son deserves a parent. This is just pathetic.
Anyway... here's the email I sent her in response:
I never heard back from you on the last email, though I did get the invite for Connor's party, so I thank you for that.
I'm very disappointed though. Today was the day you chose to talk about a custody agreement to put Link in YOUR care, and you disappeared. I got no email, no text or phone call (I realize your phone is off, but you could have borrowed one like last time or used a public phone). So I had no inkling of any time or place you might prefer and no way to directly contact you. I came by the house THREE TIMES, and stopped by at your job, hoping to find you in some obvious location. Obviously, that didn't work out.
You SERIOUSLY blew it. I am wracking my brain, wondering what in the world could POSSIBLY have been so important that you would not have cleared your schedule today for something like this. How am I to believe that you want to be responsible for our son? How am I to believe (after this and several other instances) that HE will be top priority in your life and not whatever other frivolous interests come up.
And really... maybe you had a legit emergency, but how much effort would it have been to email me to let me know!? I'm telling you, this is not the behavior I'm hoping for if you're to be the parent of primary residence. Current Mood: irritated
You know where I live, you know my phone number, you know my email. However you want to manage it, if you can get in touch with me tonight, this doesn't have to be a lost cause. But as of right now... so far as I can tell and in my opinion, your priorities are SERIOUSLY whacked out."
|Sunday, July 7th, 2013|
|Really fed up with this already
The sleepless night are getting old.
This isn't fair.
And it doesn't even make sense!
I was with Crystal for what... two months?
And I use the term "with" very loosely. It was like some kind of half-assed attempt at a relationship where I was meant to prove myself to her and she just pushed me away until something better presented itself.
But that's just it. That's what gets me. That's what is pissing me off and making this whole experience so unbearable.
It's the same shit, different dame.
I am now positive... POSITIVE... that being a nice guy doesn't count for SHIT. And I HATE that.
It should be WONDERFUL to meet a nice guy! Women should be losing their minds that we're still out there!
But that's just not the case. Women don't actually care about that and it eats me up because I refused to believe that for so long! I thought for sure that maintaining an intrinsic self-worth and conviction to be more than a "guy" was surely key to having a lasting, superior relationship. But there's no way that's true when I consider everything I've been through. In a superficial world, depth doesn't do any good.
And here's what's funny... I couldn't even recall at this point, how many times I've heard shit like, "you're dating the wrong women." Everyone thinks they're so different and special. But they're not. And they're not looking for different and special either. And that's what really pisses me off. There's no point in being especially valuable.
The funny thing is... I could accept this in every other area of life. I've felt this way about business for a long time. I get that friends can be finicky. And even family isn't always reliable or dependable for what family should be dependable for. But romantically, I thought there was still something sacred.
But there's not...
It's just treated like disposable shit like everything else in this world. And I'm trying to accept it, but I hate it, oh so much!
And it's keeping me up at night.
The funny thing is, Crystal catalyzed this, but I know it's not her I'm lamenting loss of, because I don't think about her that much. It's what she did and what it means for me.
I say this, because when I lost Sara, all I could see was her face and it tore me apart. I wanted to hold her, smell her, see her smile, etc. In this case, it's not like that at all. I just resent the experience, and Crystal hardly pops in my head, if at all.
In fact, I only just realized that, because she did pop in my head for the first time earlier tonight. I saw her face while I was trying to sleep and realized that I hadn't been.
It's so annoying.
It's so depressing.
It's so disappointing...
THAT'S what it really is. I held the world in higher regard than this. I wanted to believe that there was room for someone like me, that I would fit in somewhere and there would be a woman for someone like me.
Instead, I find that a more reasonable reality is that I will have to follow procedures, and manipulate and guide interactions to get what I want until I can find the closest thing to what I'm looking for. And I can't use my smarts to make it any more real. I can only see things for what they are, and work with or abandon predictable outcomes.
Had I done that with Crystal, I wouldn't be in this position right now. I could have played the game and guided her feelings for me, but I thought I could let it be more natural.
Well so much for that shit.
Sometimes.... I swear... I hate being smarter than everyone.
I want to be around more smart people so I don't feel like such a fucking freak all the damned time.
That's what I thought Crystal would be... what I HOPED she would be.
I'm an ass for holding onto hope... and I KNEW this while I was doing it.
I just want to sleep already... Current Mood: restless
|Saturday, July 6th, 2013|
My beautiful boy.
A lot of what I do these days, I do for him. Of course, I spent a lot of time with Crystal (that I now regret), but other than that, it's all about him and me. And I only say me, because if I don't consider my own condition then I won't be able to provide the most to him. It's been tough to start accepting certain things I've been stuck with, but I HAVE to do my best for him, even if it's not ultimately the best possible. As soon as Bonnie left... that was impossible anyway. And unless I'm willing to marry the first idiot that's willing, I can't provide to him the way I need to.
Link and I have this amazing relationship. There's such a strong bond of love and trust. I wish he could always be with me and I'm pretty sure he wants the same, but the idiot (his mother) won't let that happen. She seems to think she's God's gift to the planet and hasn't done anything wrong at all. Fucking woman is brain dead.
WOMEN are brain dead.
But I digress.
I'm working on it. I know she wants primary custody and I'm trying to dangle that carrot in front of her to catalyze the changes I need to see in her to trust her with my kid. And simultaneously make sure that when the time is right, he comes home to me. He's my son... he's always been my son, more than he's been her son (at least the last few years). I have to do what's right, but unfortunately to really make good things happen I have to conform to a system that is BIASED against men/fathers and do what I can considering that. It doesn't matter that she's a terrible mother, as long as she doesn't pose an imminent threat to the child. And people wonder why society is so fucked up.
That aside... he needs help. My boy is so stressed in his situation, and I suspect he has some sort of learning disorder or developmental delay. Whatever it is, we'll overcome it, but I want to know. I need to get him assessed.
That considered... we've made significant strides together.
It's hard to get him interested in something that's not video games (he's my son after all), but we get to do numbers and letters from time to time.
Actually, it blew my mind... he couldn't count to ten or recite his ABCs after 8 months in pre-school/daycare (which made me wonder what the fuck they were doing with him), but we got to ten after just a little practice and now we're working towards twenty. I want him to hit one hundred by Kindergarten if it's at all possible and recite his ABCs (which is proving challenging) without looking.
And that's partly why I think he has a learning disorder. He struggles with patterns and large amounts of data memorization. Which... the memory thing is also something I struggled with.
We need to do more memory games. I guess I haven't pushed that enough in favor of focusing on the very basics. Gotta work the support muscles though!
Well... to sum it up, he'll be 5 in two weeks. He's said he wants about 5 different kinds of birthdays, but I think we're going to do a Minecraft thing since he really seems to love that game."In order to improve yourself, you have to become not you." Wyatt Woodsmall Current Mood: lethargic