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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Squall's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, December 21st, 2016
11:29 pm
If you have a hero look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.
This line came up in a freind's post on Facebook.
Something he'd gotten out of a book, among a list of about 100 other ideas, but this one stood out like a tower in a desert. I instantly realized it was true. And it hurts. I don't want it to be true. I like having idols and something to aspire to...
Or at least, that's what I want to say.
That's my knee-jerk reaction.

The problem is I know better. It's so clear how true it is. I immediately saw how I was removing from my character, all the traits I saw in them that I was telling myself I don't have. But what determines that really? What limits or opens up one's capacity? Surely, there are factors, but what's possible for one is possible for another.
I immediately saw how all those things were already in me, just crying to come out. Some more buried than others, and yes, not instinct. But they also didn't feel unnatural. I realize, personal traits one wants to cultivate are less about learning something and more about unlocking it.

I want to be like Tim Ferriss in ways, Tony Stark, Elon Musk, Ben Franklin, Buckminster Fuller... on and on the list goes. So I look at them as something to aspire to. But that's wrong. They're not made of different matter. Their brains functions by all the same processes as mine. the chemicals that produce different emotions and mental states are all the same. There's no difference in the biological substance; which is to say what's in them is in me.
It changed my thinking from seeing a matter of something I'm lacking to seeing that it's stifled. I'm holding back.
In a way.

It doesn't fully make sense yet. It seems so easy, and probably is, but then my brain is on overdrive. How can it be easy? Look at this difficult history. Look at my struggles. I can let them go like that? All that time wasted!
What a tragedy!
At least... that's the dance that plays out.
Only the first is true though, isn't it? It's really as easy as just changing my mind.
I don't see how it can be more complicated than that. There's just pain/regret that wants it to be more complicated.

I want to let go of having heroes.
Still trying to sort out what that means for having mentors (I previously have seen them as quite one and the same). This, hero worship has certainly kept my self-image small. Though I think it happened the other way around first.
Low self-image led to hero worship.

But now what?
Am I my own hero now? That seems a little silly.
Am I on the same level with my heroes?

Something about that term is rattling around in my brain now. Something seems broken about it.
Why have a hero?
They make me feel better. Like more is possible.
But it's out there.
What about me?

This relates to something I've been thinking about this. Changing the way I look at people from aspiration to something more like a reminder. Like rather than trying to improve to be more like them, just... remembering that maybe I already am. Or at least I can be.
And it's not a matter of being anything or anyone else, just a matter of finding something already in there. Some dormant capacity. A self-refinement.

If I really think about it, it seems obvious that anything that's not already in me, can't be a part of me. A person might be able to develop such things, but they will be obviously fake. A ruse. These are the people that are clearly acting, or manipulating. They've always been insufferable to me.

This is interesting! I'm thinking about it now. It's similar to a lesson I learned about weight loss.
You can't have Brad Pitt's abs, for instance. Those are his genetics, that's what his body looks like when he loses weight. There's no way to replicate that, unless that's what your genetics do.
Likewise... perhaps what confidence looks like on me is totally different from what it looks like on other people. Same with many many things. Maybe trying to be like someone else is just as foolish as trying to have their body.

Then, it's not a matter of being like other people. It's about finding those traits in each individual and helping them express the way they would in that person.
So I can't replicate my idols... in a manner of speaking.
It's not about duplication, replication, or emulation. I can't be them.

The only thing I can really cultivate then, is action.
Certain actions will develop certain traits. That's a natural law.
My mind is racing back through various lessons now. The different levels of this leading to that, ultimately culminating in what makes you the way the world sees you.
I think I'm finally starting to understand...
The importance of action.
Importance isn't the right word... it's more like... omnipotence.
It's a dictator. Everything flows from there first.
Habits are all that truly matter then. In the end.

It seems like this:
Philosophy is great. Amazing even. But we have to live in the real world. So philosophy has to flow out into action, or it's utterly useless. But action leads to consequences, and external responses which will necessarily feedback in one's philosophy. Or, at least, back into one's wisdom. Maybe, then, philsophy is the way we decide how to use wisdom.

I'm laughing at myself now.
If all this is true, for all how long I've thought the opposite, I've been grossly lacking in wisdom. At least, as an adult.
When I was a kid and didn't have adult responsibilities and obligations, I was way ahead. But I've gotten further and further behind with age.
I've lacked action. Which is unwise.
This is an interesting revelation.


Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, August 14th, 2013
12:10 pm
If you're reading...

I need to make something very clear here. I opened up my journal on Facebook to encourage interaction, so I could get other people's insights and some perspective. I use this as a very personal journal, If you're reading, and not commenting, there's a term for that and it's lurking. That is not welcome here. I'm not opening my life up so people can essentially spy on me. I've made my journal private in the past and I will do so again if I need to. If you're reading, I need to see comments on this entry so I know who you are.

There are only two exceptions (because I already know), but anyone else.. if you're reading and not commenting, that's flatly, rude and creepy.

Tuesday, August 13th, 2013
12:57 am
Quick post (long one probably coming soon)
Having a wild time of things.

I'm in this place again, wondering if what I'm trying to do in business is just far too incongruent with who I really am. I'm wondering if I'll really make an impact blogging about micro-hacks. Well... actually, what I'm wondering is if that's where I'll make the MOST impact. Maybe I should be doing something in gaming? Like G4, but actually about games and a good show about games.

Heh... G4 is the MTV of gaming channels now.

I know this... I have GOT to focus on one thing. And that's the commitment that's keeping me on target with my current blog. I've got the blueprint, I just need to follow it. I'd be an ass if I didn't.

We'll see what happens. I need to focus and get my ass in gear.
So much work to do.

(PS- Sam, I know you're reading. Yes, I am that smart. :p )
Saturday, August 10th, 2013
11:59 pm
Too far down maybe...

I've been kinda scatter brained the past couple days.

I took some extra time a couple nights ago to spend with a lady friend. I guess we're dating, though nothing official.
Problem is... being up so late really rocked my schedule. I've been totally out of it since and stressed out of my mind trying to figure out how to make up for it.

Answer: I can't. That time is gone.

It made me really respect how far behind I am though. I have so much work to do in order to catch up with where I want to and need to be that I'm not sure I have time for anything else right now.

I'm working, but the job is all wrong. It's not a job I can or will ever be able to do well, the hours are all wrong, and I'm not making much. BARELY enough to get by really. And even that... maybe not.
So I have to find a job that fits my needs. THAT'S a heavy load by itself.

Then there's school. I'm trying to get enrolled in the fall semester and I want to go to night classes, but this schedule is rocking me. I can go during the day, but *fart noise* that. If I have to, then I have to, but I really don't want to have to. (Gotta get that new job).
In the meantime, I have a lot of paperwork and crap to do for them in order to get back in and attend in the fall. That's a decent load of work as well and time is running out.Not to mention the burden it will be once I finally do get enrolled and have to attend classes do homework and whatnot.

Then there's Empower Network. AKA my home business opportunity.
I've got a really leadership team for a change, with real people and some honest to God training. I'm actually confident that this will work for a change, but it's going to take a consistent effort over time and it's going to take time. I can't folly on that though. I have to work it.

So when I consider all this... I wonder to myself, "how can I spare any time for anyone?"
Though... it might not be all that bad.
The problem is scheduling. What I really know I can't do is stay up late. It just won't fit.
I have to focus.

"I have never so admired another's fortune that I don't appreciate my own." ~Cicero

Current Mood: thoughtful
Friday, August 9th, 2013
8:40 pm
I've faced some pretty brutal disappointments recently. It doesn't look like this job I wanted at KE is going to happen. I'm horribly torn right now wondering, do I have to accept starting over from the bottom again, or should I be fighting it and keep reaching for something better? Color me confused at this point. And annoyed.

I guess all I can do is all I can do. Just keep trying and running at that wall until it breaks. One way or another.

I've still got plenty of other opportunity to chase so I suppose that's the story I should be focused on. It's tough though.

Current Mood: melancholy
Wednesday, August 7th, 2013
5:39 am
Lots of noise = quiet?
I had an interesting experience I wanted to document from earlier today. It's really late, but this was significant.

I went up to North Jersey to High Point State Park, which is the highest elevation point in the state. My thinking was to get up and out of civilization, away from all the noise and see some sights. Part one was a success, the second part not so much. The park is lame.

But that's not what got my attention. Before I ever got there, when I started getting up into the hills of North Jersey, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn't want to hear my music anymore.
I realized something immediately. I play music all the time, to drown out the rest of the noise I don't want to hear.

For a while I interpreted my predilection for loud music as some part of me trying to be extraverted, but it seems more like it's the introvert trying to find private space.

I previously though that maybe I was listening to too much music and just filling my head with noise. Now I wonder if it's been one of the few things keeping me sane.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say. It was a really mind altering experience and I've decided that, that being the case, I need to be a lot more mindful of my choice of music. I've been listening to a lot of metal and it may have something to do with recent increases in vulgar language. It can't be ruled out. If that's my recharge space, it makes a difference  what I'm recharging on.

Current Mood: sleepy
Tuesday, August 6th, 2013
1:17 am

Today has left me feeling kinda weird. Somewhere between scatter brained and accomplished.

Sniffing... I know one thing beyond a doubt. I GOTTA do my laundry somewhere else. I can smell Bill's poor hygiene on me, which means it's in my clothes. Cause I'm sure as shit not rubbing up against the guy. Just.... disgusting.

I got a lot done this morning, but paid the price in sleep.
I have to AVOID Lynn late at night. She can't stop talking and I can't blame her when someone with Dementia is her only company all day, but damn... I just can't be that much of a crutch for anyone right now. Especially if I'm going to make good on my promises and improve my situation. I owe her so much, but she looks for very uncomfortable supports from me sometimes. In the end, I gladly do it if it's what she needs, I just wish we could find some way that wasn't so... bad timing and....
well, because of who she is and who I am, our ways clash horribly and it's incredibly stressful, but I really do owe her.
I hate being in debt...

Getting off topic. I'll talk about Lynn another time.

A lot of things have been making a lot of sense ever since I embraced who I am. I've even been a little more assertive in areas I wouldn't usually be. Not sure if THAT part of it is a good thing yet. I'll have to feel it out and make sure I don't become unreasonably hostile.

BUT... I like where I'm going.
I'm going back to school, not for a job per se, but because I want an education that will help me do something special and help others. I'm going for Physics. And probably Engineering. I'm not sure how all that will work out, but the idea is to get a technical/science degree and the knowledge that goes with it. Physics seems like a good place to start.
I'm working on my Empower Network blog finally and I've chosen that without anyone else's influence. When I looked at the companies and their structures and payout schedule, it just made sense to me.And right after making that decision, I find exactly the sort of training program I've been looking for and needing.
I'm finally (for the first time this year) AHEAD of my bills. What an awesome feeling!
I'm free of women (I realized tonight). I saw a few couples at the diner tonight get all cute and cuddly, and normally when I'm single that sparks a fire in my mind, but I really didn't care tonight. That's kinda cool. I don't know if I've ever been that independent of my need for affection ever in my life. These recent romantic hardships were apparently a necessary lesson. I feel... strong? That doesn't feel like the right word, but it's close as my mind seems to be getting right now.

So... I'm making improvements. A lot of work to do still. I better get to it.

Been a busy day... maybe I ought to just get some rest.
Tomorrow is all about centering. Heading to High Point. Should be good.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

Current Mood: tired
Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
9:56 pm
The Plight of Leadership

Sometimes... it's time to lead.
Other times... it's time to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Just wanted to get that off my chest.

I've been feeling emboldened ever since I read that book about Introverts. It made a lot of sense of my behavior, made it okay to be one and kind of just fit right in with exactly what I was thinking and feeling: it's a GIFT not a CONDITION.

All that being an introvert means is I see the world different. I process things different and I interpret different.
The thing about that, is it means that my inputs and outputs translate differently and so what works for others isn't likely to work for me and vice-versa. And that's where this whole feeling comes in of: I'M NOT YOU, SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME LIKE YOU!!!

Unfortunately, a lot of this anger is toward my friend Matt from Texas. He's trying to help me develop, but I'm becoming convinced that he just flat-out doesn't know how. He's teaching me what works (for him and others like him), which makes sense and is to be expected, but he won't hear information from me. All he seems to be able to do is shoot me this high energy leadership preaching, which doesn't do me a damned bit of good.

I wish I could wake this world (country?) up to the FACT that there's more than one way to do things. And in fact, there HAS to be, otherwise anyone who is remotely different will never be able to adapt.
I've come up with this thought: there are as many paths to success as there are people.
And there HAS to be. This seems almost like a quantitative law! Especially if we're to believe in the power and importance of the individual and that everyone is different. This is really just simple math. Both sides of the equation must be equivalent, so if you change one side (the person) you must change the other (the path to success). I don't see any wiggle room for argument on that, but convincing people of it is an insane uphill battle.

Now... fair enough, I've never had success so I can't say things with any certainty, but there's also this... I HAVEN'T HAD SUCCESS! I've followed these prescriptions. I've "put my ego aside" and "been coachable" and still haven't had success. Maybe someone like me isn't MEANT to turn their brain (ego) off. Maybe I'm intuitive enough that that's precisely my source of power and I NEED it to succeed.
At least that's what I believe now.
And I just wish "leaders" would get that.
That's my ninja way. And any incongruency with that shakes my confidence to the core. An absolutely necessary tenant for any leader.

I'm just venting though.
I know it won't change.
I just need an outlet. It's tough to stick to what I know when so many people are telling me I'm wrong. But I've let that go before and it hasn't paid off yet. I have to be strong and stubborn this time and (if it works as I believe it will) for all time.
Cause in the end... I'm responsible for my own results. And that being the case... I think I'll go my own way this time.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead, where there is no path and leave a trail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Current Mood: annoyed
Friday, August 2nd, 2013
9:37 pm
Random musings
I remembered a funny story. There was a girl, Donna, who lived upstairs (also my friend's GF) who drove me insane. I never met anyone so married to their misery and I couldn't stand to be around her. She was like a horrible pit of despair.

But the funny story is back when I first started talking to Crystal, we were to meet for a (second) date. I was chilling with Lynn (I should definitely write an entry about her) upstairs and joking about whether I should be fashionably late or not. Then Donna chimes in, something to the effect of, "if I ever have a date with a guy he should never be late."
I had to try SO hard not to bust out laughing. I still smiled and chuckled a little bit, but I was ready to die. Cause see... this girl wanted me and I wanted nothing to do with her or anyone like her. And for her to give me dating advice just blew my mind.
All I wanted to do was laugh in her face and tell her that if I ever wanted someone like her, I'd be sure to keep that in mind.

To this day (it was about 3 months ago) that still amuses the crap out of me. I don't know if it was because she was stupid for advising me, or because her advice was stupid, or the insanity for her to think I'd even want her advice or the insane narcissism for her to assume I'd ever want someone like her. Or maybe all of it. But it was just funny as HELL!

Current Mood: amused
Sunday, July 28th, 2013
3:27 am
What the fuck does it mean to be an introvert?
I've been pondering this thought the past week, largely because I've been listening to the audiobook of "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." And it's wild to hear this woman describe me so accurately so often and give explanation to these things.

I've also been wondering if I've always been this way. My mother says I wasn't, and I don't remember being introverted when I was young, but I don't remember EVER being extroverted either. So I'm not sure what's what there, but I'm pretty sure that, it's who I am at my core now. However I got there.
Oddly enough, I think I have enough extroverted capacities to not be completely useless in this American "extrovert ideal" as the book categorizes it. I feel adaptable. Which is so important.
But I also had it SQUARELY in my face today where the limitations of that exist.

I'm waiting tables. A decidedly NON introverted profession, but I handle okay for the most part. At least until it gets really busy.
Which it did tonight.
While there were only TWO waiters on. Both new, and one of which (me) who has no previous experience.
The REAL problem comes in with my boss' utter lack of sympathy and customers' sense of self-worth. IE: "I'm the most important person on the planet, why aren't you waiting on me hand and foot and getting everything RIGHT while you have ten other tables?"
Gee, fuckerball... I wonder.
And when I say my boss has no sympathy (or compassion for that matter), after the rush, while I was trying to get my blood pressure down (which took all night, really) she told me, blatantly, "you suck." Literally.
Now... I already know this, so the words weren't a shock. It's just the last thing I needed to hear when I was on the borderline of getting violent with people.
The kid who was hosting, sat me like three times in a row and looked at my section again when another group came in and I told him flat out, "don't sit me again. I swear, I'll kill you."
Which would have been funny, but I was beyond laughing at that point.
I haven't felt that burned out in a long time.

The funny thing is, that what really had me spent in the whole experience was maintaining an outward cool. Which I did. No customer saw anything, but smiles. I was just storming on the inside and ready to blow up.
It was tough.
And it made me realize... that work is not for me, or anyone like me.
It's time to move on.

I'm an introvert. I'm sensitive, calculating, analytical, careful, thoughtful and so on.
I perform better in a quiet atmosphere and work better one on one or even by myself, than in a group.
Groups and multi-tasking are distracting and inefficient. And people are often less competent than (except at waiting tables apparently) me.

I've been out of my element for too long, trying to develop traits that aren't inherently me.
Which is okay, I still want to do that...
But WHILE I develop, I think it's time I embrace my inherent STRENGTHS and go where I'm better suited to doing a good job. I'll never excel trying exclusively to fit shoes that were made for someone else.

What I mean to say is, I can and will expand my skills and capacities, but it's foolish to act like I already have while I'm working on it. I'm a proficiency freak. And not being good at what I do is a MAJOR distraction.

Bottom line is I need to embrace me while I improve who me is. Work from here while I move toward there.
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out...
...or does it?

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein

Current Mood: restless
Wednesday, July 17th, 2013
2:05 am
Confused by Existence
Something seems very off lately. And it's hard for me to describe exactly what it is I'm feeling or to make sense of it.
Things just seem very... fake, lately.
Like life isn't real anymore. Like... everything I've been doing, and thinking and experiencing and working for is all wrong.

I feel it at work, at night when I go to sleep, in my interactions with people... everything just feels off.
Like something's wrong, or something is missing. And I don't know what it is.
But it's keeping me up at night.

There are some things I know.
I know, romantically, I'm a fucking mess at this point.
I know, professionally, I'm not operating anywhere near my capacity or anywhere near what I know I should be doing, especially where my capabilities are concerned. $50 a night waiting tables? Nigga please!
I know, socially, I'm not getting out as much as I should. Spending time with friends and making new ones.
I know, as a father, I'm not seeing nearly enough of my son and he's not having a proper life. And I'm stuck on what to do there, especially when faced with the insanity that is his mother.
I know, financially, I've screwed UP. Now... I'm making strides, but DAMN did I ever screw up. When I think about having to face THAT monster... well.... nothing else overwhelms me more.

It could be all these things, and currently, that's my theory. That the life I've created is SO far from what I wanted to and could have created by now that it's REALLY messing with my head.
I think I've just been operating TOO much in conflict with who I am for too long. Crystal kinda made me aware of that, and now that I'm trying to get back in touch with that a little, while maintaining forward development and momentum, it's really screwing my mind up.

Lately... it also seems like I don't have enough time. I'm really not doing anything just for fun anymore.

Maybe that's it... I've been missing out on my joys.
My bliss.

I really don't know.
I feel lost right now, really. I've got such a stack of obstacles in front of me, I don't even know where to start at this point.
I know ONE thing that is throwing me off REALLY hardcore. This job I'm pining for over at K&E! It's like I'm stuck in limbo! I wanna get started there already, but I can't do shit! If I push too hard, they'll get frustrated, but if I'm not persistent, that might send a signal that I'm not really interested. Meanwhile, if I could just get THAT job it would solve my mental problems (incongruencies really) on the professional, financial and (part of) fatherly levels. It would mean a HUGE shift in my life in the RIGHT direction.
I was actually thinking about it tonight while I was trying to sleep. I'd be making $120 a DAY. What a different life that would make for. ESPECIALLY if I used my BRAIN for once and manage that money properly to get where I need to be. Invest and save and make a better life for myself and my son. And once I've gotten out of the muck, to even start giving back through charitable donations.

Though... I could always volunteer time. I suppose I should look into that. Maybe I'll feel better if I start accomplishing something worthy.
I've got so much shit heaped on my plate right now though... I really don't know how in the world I could add anything else...

God... what a mess.
I need to meditate or something.

"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, July 9th, 2013
9:03 pm
My father
Oohhh.... ominous.

Whenever I have posted about my dad in this journal, it was always bad news. And reading back through my journal it seemed like he was behind an unbelievably high percentage of the negative posts I had.

And it's sad... but updating on my relationship with my father is going to be another disappointing one.
I haven't talked to the man, basically since hurricane Sandy, but I'll get to that in a second.
We're missing years worth of information.

My relationship with my father never really hit a "good" place, but when Bonnie kicked me out of the house, he was here as a reluctant support.
Well.. let me rewind a little further.

Before I moved out of the house to live with Bonnie for the last time, I decided I wanted to make a shift in the dynamic of my relationship with my dad. So I completely reframed things and instead of trying to forgive him, I spent an entire night reflecting on all the positive contributions he made to my life and wrote him a thank you letter outlining everything that really meant a lot to me.
That actually seemed to make a small impact for a while.
Which is really to say that it made a significant impact, because for my father to noticeably change his behavior in response to one gesture is HUGE.

So back to my homeless days. He came up a couple times with the truck to help me move and supported me financially (from a court settlement he got from his accident). So I wasn't sleeping in my car the entire time, and eventually he gave me the security deposit for the apartment I got approved for. Things were decent.

Didn't hear much from him after that, but we were working together well and I was even collecting his rent from the house for him.
I had my stresses for the next two months, but nothing unbearable.
Then... Sandy.
And WHAT a shitstorm.
EVERYTHING was destroyed for me, literally overnight.

And my father brings his high and mighty attitude up here to "save" my son, and pushes every single one of the wrong buttons, less than an HOUR after I'd just seen EVERYTHING I owned destroyed...

Oh, did I let him know how I felt about that.
Didn't care if he wouldn't like it.
Still don't. He was WAY out of line. From yelling at me cause I closed the car door too hard (which I apologized for and asked him not to come at me about trivial shit like that, which he interpreted as 'COME AT ME BRO!'") to telling me that I abandoned my son in the car cause I wanted to see my "stuff"... NOT because he needed diapers and his mother dumped him on me and took off somewhere that had heat.

RIGHT! I fucking climbed down into town, avoiding police, with my son alone in my car by himself, because I wanted to see my shit IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH NO POWER ANYWHERE EVEN THOUGH I COULD JUST DO IT THE NEXT FUCKING MORNING!!!!!

So I all, but told him to fuck off and didn't talk to him for six months.
Of course... I was still going to do the rent for him and other things I agreed to, but he played childish games and started taking care of that himself.

BUT! After six months I thought, enough was enough and it was time to get past it.
But not according to Daddy!
Nope! He still wanted his apology for me disrespecting him.

Sorry.... but fuck that!
It's that exact dynamic that allowed that situation to unfold the way it did. And I won't do it anymore. He owes me WAY more apology than I owe him.
And to him, this is a matter of respect.
Sorry dude, you earn respect. And the ability to procreate doesn't do it for me. The lowest forms of life on Earth are capable of that.

And unfortunately, that's where we stand on that....
Good times!

Current Mood: cynical
7:41 pm
A letter to Bonnie
So last week I started chatting with Bonnie about taking primary custody of Link. His schedule has been a mess and obviously horribly stressful on him. I ASSUMED she would be in LOVE with the idea of having Link home with her and (she didn't know this), collecting a very generous child support payment from me. She chose today as when she wanted to get together and I agreed.

She's nowhere to be found.
I'm really spinning my brain thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK!?"
If I'd been given an opportunity like this I would've went balls to the wall wild jumping at it.

To my mind, this is a HUGE glaring example of why she has no business taking care of him. My son deserves a parent. This is just pathetic.
Anyway... here's the email I sent her in response:

I never heard back from you on the last email, though I did get the invite for Connor's party, so I thank you for that.
I'm very disappointed though. Today was the day you chose to talk about a custody agreement to put Link in YOUR care, and you disappeared. I got no email, no text or phone call (I realize your phone is off, but you could have borrowed one like last time or used a public phone). So I had no inkling of any time or place you might prefer and no way to directly contact you. I came by the house THREE TIMES, and stopped by at your job, hoping to find you in some obvious location. Obviously, that didn't work out.
You SERIOUSLY blew it. I am wracking my brain, wondering what in the world could POSSIBLY have been so important that you would not have cleared your schedule today for something like this. How am I to believe that you want to be responsible for our son? How am I to believe (after this and several other instances) that HE will be top priority in your life and not whatever other frivolous interests come up.
And really... maybe you had a legit emergency, but how much effort would it have been to email me to let me know!? I'm telling you, this is not the behavior I'm hoping for if you're to be the parent of primary residence.

You know where I live, you know my phone number, you know my email. However you want to manage it, if you can get in touch with me tonight, this doesn't have to be a lost cause. But as of right now... so far as I can tell and in my opinion, your priorities are SERIOUSLY whacked out."

Current Mood: irritated
Sunday, July 7th, 2013
2:50 am
Really fed up with this already
The sleepless night are getting old.
This isn't fair.
And it doesn't even make sense!

I was with Crystal for what... two months?
And I use the term "with" very loosely. It was like some kind of half-assed attempt at a relationship where I was meant to prove myself to her and she just pushed me away until something better presented itself.
But that's just it. That's what gets me. That's what is pissing me off and making this whole experience so unbearable.

It's the same shit, different dame.
I am now positive... POSITIVE... that being a nice guy doesn't count for SHIT. And I HATE that.
It should be WONDERFUL to meet a nice guy! Women should be losing their minds that we're still out there!
But that's just not the case. Women don't actually care about that and it eats me up because I refused to believe that for so long! I thought for sure that maintaining an intrinsic self-worth and conviction to be more than a "guy" was surely key to having a lasting, superior relationship. But there's no way that's true when I consider everything I've been through. In a superficial world, depth doesn't do any good.

And here's what's funny... I couldn't even recall at this point, how many times I've heard shit like, "you're dating the wrong women." Everyone thinks they're so different and special. But they're not. And they're not looking for different and special either. And that's what really pisses me off. There's no point in being especially valuable.

The funny thing is... I could accept this in every other area of life. I've felt this way about business for a long time. I get that friends can be finicky. And even family isn't always reliable or dependable for what family should be dependable for. But romantically, I thought there was still something sacred.
But there's not...
It's just treated like disposable shit like everything else in this world. And I'm trying to accept it, but I hate it, oh so much!
And it's keeping me up at night.

The funny thing is, Crystal catalyzed this, but I know it's not her I'm lamenting loss of, because I don't think about her that much. It's what she did and what it means for me.
I say this, because when I lost Sara, all I could see was her face and it tore me apart. I wanted to hold her, smell her, see her smile, etc. In this case, it's not like that at all. I just resent the experience, and Crystal hardly pops in my head, if at all.
In fact, I only just realized that, because she did pop in my head for the first time earlier tonight. I saw her face while I was trying to sleep and realized that I hadn't been.

It's so annoying.
It's so depressing.
It's so disappointing...

THAT'S what it really is. I held the world in higher regard than this. I wanted to believe that there was room for someone like me, that I would fit in somewhere and there would be a woman for someone like me.
Instead, I find that a more reasonable reality is that I will have to follow procedures, and manipulate and guide interactions to get what I want until I can find the closest thing to what I'm looking for. And I can't use my smarts to make it any more real. I can only see things for what they are, and work with or abandon predictable outcomes.
Had I done that with Crystal, I wouldn't be in this position right now. I could have played the game and guided her feelings for me, but I thought I could let it be more natural.
Well so much for that shit.

Sometimes.... I swear... I hate being smarter than everyone.
I want to be around more smart people so I don't feel like such a fucking freak all the damned time.
That's what I thought Crystal would be... what I HOPED she would be.

I'm an ass for holding onto hope... and I KNEW this while I was doing it.

This sucks.
I just want to sleep already...

Current Mood: restless
Saturday, July 6th, 2013
11:04 pm
My beautiful boy.

A lot of what I do these days, I do for him. Of course, I spent a lot of time with Crystal (that I now regret), but other than that, it's all about him and me. And I only say me, because if I don't consider my own condition then I won't be able to provide the most to him. It's been tough to start accepting certain things I've been stuck with, but I HAVE to do my best for him, even if it's not ultimately the best possible. As soon as Bonnie left... that was impossible anyway. And unless I'm willing to marry the first idiot that's willing, I can't provide to him the way I need to.

Link and I have this amazing relationship. There's such a strong bond of love and trust. I wish he could always be with me and I'm pretty sure he wants the same, but the idiot (his mother) won't let that happen. She seems to think she's God's gift to the planet and hasn't done anything wrong at all. Fucking woman is brain dead.
WOMEN are brain dead.
But I digress.

I'm working on it. I know she wants primary custody and I'm trying to dangle that carrot in front of her to catalyze the changes I need to see in her to trust her with my kid. And simultaneously make sure that when the time is right, he comes home to me. He's my son... he's always been my son, more than he's been her son (at least the last few years). I have to do what's right, but unfortunately to really make good things happen I have to conform to a system that is BIASED against men/fathers and do what I can considering that. It doesn't matter that she's a terrible mother, as long as she doesn't pose an imminent threat to the child. And people wonder why society is so fucked up.

That aside... he needs help. My boy is so stressed in his situation, and I suspect he has some sort of learning disorder or developmental delay. Whatever it is, we'll overcome it, but I want to know. I need to get him assessed.

That considered... we've made significant strides together.
It's hard to get him interested in something that's not video games (he's my son after all), but we get to do numbers and letters from time to time.

Actually, it blew my mind... he couldn't count to ten or recite his ABCs after 8 months in pre-school/daycare (which made me wonder what the fuck they were doing with him), but we got to ten after just a little practice and now we're working towards twenty. I want him to hit one hundred by Kindergarten if it's at all possible and recite his ABCs (which is proving challenging) without looking.

And that's partly why I think he has a learning disorder. He struggles with patterns and large amounts of data memorization. Which... the memory thing is also something I struggled with.

We need to do more memory games. I guess I haven't pushed that enough in favor of focusing on the very basics. Gotta work the support muscles though!

Well... to sum it up, he'll be 5 in two weeks. He's said he wants about 5 different kinds of birthdays, but I think we're going to do a Minecraft thing since he really seems to love that game.

"In order to improve yourself, you have to become not you." Wyatt Woodsmall

Current Mood: lethargic
Friday, July 5th, 2013
6:02 am
Personal Development
So back to my category posts, and how perfect, because I can't sleep again. Stupid fuckin job...

lmao Anyway... yeah, "personal development."

This is something I got introduced to in 2005 and really started to hit it hard a couple years later. I could not pin an exact time at this point, when I got really serious about, probably cause it was a gradual process. I think. I really don't know. I didn't track what I was doing, I just got into learning and kept going. More answers led to more questions and so on.

Now... I can see from my posts, that balance and center was an increasingly popular theme and more important to me as I developed in maturity and my understanding of the universe. Until recently, I would have said I've become very balanced and centered, but I sort of let that get shaken up a little bit. So I'll be making some new strides in my development. Namely in the areas of confidence and selfishness. Selfish, romantically anyway. I still love people in general and have no problems with friends and such. But romantically I think my generation (or maybe it's humanity) is bogged down with garbage and I just don't feel like anyone deserves what I tended to give. The equation has been entirely unbalanced for way too long.

But recent breakthroughs aside (yes, this is a breakdown now, but I will wield it to my advantage and have a breakthrough), I'm so much more at peace with the rest of the world. Eastern philosophy has become a major core to what I do in almost every aspect. Tao, buddhism, and the like. Apparently, according to Crystal, I have very much the kind of attitude typical of Yogis. And from what I've experienced of her, I probably have a better grasp on it than she does.

Well, I can kinda sum up things a little with this: I did a meditation exercise recently where the goal was to identify core philosophy and what came to me (I didn't choose, because I would've picked something different) was integrity. Within integrity is conviction, honesty and loyalty. Living up to promises, no matter how small or how bad they were (unless someone will get seriously hurt following through). For instance, changing my name, by the time I did it was more a matter of conviction at that point than anything I really had an innate desire to do. Especially compared to how badly I wanted to do it before. And I've been trying to apply that sense of honor to other areas of my life as well.

Sara actually helped me as well. She taught me that college is a way to become invaluable to a certain market, and I wish I would have learned that lesson long again. I could've been so much more than I am now, but luckily it's not nearly too late. There's so much time yet to come!

Now... there's a HUGE development step I've taken over the years and continue to do so. Always focusing on the positive as soon as I've done as much I could about the negative. When I saw my stuff from my teenage years and early twenties.... BOY was I negative... and pissed. At everything. I didn't even remember thinking like that at this point and I actually laughed at myself because I was so all over the place. I'm not nearly like that these days.

In fact, until recent circumstances, nothing really shook me. I managed to carry me weather with me, and actually, even now I still managed to put a smile on. Most of me is at peace, even if part of me is going through some very dramatic and violent changes.
My romantic temper is going through a squall right now.
I think it will be over soon though. I just have too much to do.

That's one thing I will probably be forever grateful to Crystal for though. She gave me a sense of value in a career, that no one else before was ever able to do. And that's a value I needed. Everything would be so much easier if I was on a predictable career path. So that's a very big positive spin on what is feeling like a very negative experience.

Interestingly, what started my PD quest (business) is something I now have an incredibly good mind for. Most of the time when I learn something about business I'm not learning anything new, just solidifying the knowledge I'd already gained. I think I can start to trust my intuitions now, more than I tend to. I've noticed in recent years that the gap between what I absolutely know and what I suspect is diminishing. That's going to take some getting used to.

At this stage my development though, the focus is almost exclusively on self-confidence. That is my singular biggest shortfall and I really need to do something about it. So that's where I'm at now.

In my life right now, a big chapter is closing and a new, and dramatically expanded chapter is beginning. It will be up to me to see the world as it is and adapt accordingly. I still want big success and some power to change the world around me, but in some respects, the tiered model that my father was so obsessed with deserves more respect than I give it, until I have the power to change things to fit my ideal vision instead of me fitting into society's sick vision. And as much as my heart is full of love for people, I am not delusional about this. society IS sick.

Current Mood: weird
Thursday, July 4th, 2013
4:12 pm
This is not good....
This is bad.
This is really bad.

I feel hate...
Like... real hate. I see women and they just disgust me today.
I sure hope that subsides. I don't want to harbor those sorts of feelings in my heart.
I don't need women in my life right now, but I don't want to hate anybody. Especially an entire group of people, but right now... I'm really just disgusted.

I'm kind of scared by this realization actually.

My zen has been disturbed.
I need to get back to love and peace.

This isn't just about Crystal either. She was just the last straw. I've been disposed of by many women now, but it's just happened too many times in the last two years I guess. I'm...
I think I'm past a breaking point.

I know some of this is anger, so this feeling won't last long, I just hope it goes away completely when I'm over it. Or at least completely enough so that the sight of women doesn't disturb me.
It's really not good...
Then again... maybe I need this. It's about time that things were about me for a change.

"So convenient a thing is it to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do." Ben Franklin

Current Mood: scared
10:58 am
After a little sleep
I slept off some of my anger, but all the disappointment is still there. I've still not fully given up just yet, but I'm VERY close. I want to fight it. I want to be with Crystal and not go down this road, but if that's just not possible, you can believe I will.

She really was my last ditch effort. This unique personality type that I calculated as having the best remaining chance of being able to see what I am and what it's worth.

I just can't justify doing this anymore. A clear pattern has emerged and I can't change that. And I'm not willing to go through this anymore.
It's borderline abuse!

But that's the thing. That's the trend. Nice people are abused and assholes are revered. Who could ever want to be a nice guy in a world like that? I mean... if you're sane? Cause really all it takes to be an ass is a good degree of selfishness. And how hard can it honestly be to be selfish?

Current Mood: indescribable
5:56 am
Can't sleep...
Of course.
but I guess that's what this journal is for sometimes. I'm not finished nearly, with my subject based posts, but I need to vent and hopefully clear my head.

Crystal is leaving me for Bill. Another predictable outcome to a relationship. She never gave me a fair chance because of what that guy did to her, now she's diving back in.

Crystal was the last chance for me. when she finally messaged me back, I was pretty much ready to draw the line and say it's time to retire the nice guy routine, but I thought maybe she might be one person who would appreciate it. Well... bullshit. That woman doesn't exist. And now I AM retiring the nice romantic guy.

I'm just tired of trying to be everything I'm supposed to be only to have nothing given to me that makes it worth it. I mean... I literally gave this girl everything I've got and she never opened up or let me in. I had to "prove myself" to her, but she seemed to feel no need to do the same for me. WHAT THE FUCK!?

But I know what the fuck. What the fuck is no one cares if you're a nice guy or not. It's a superficial world and I'm not a superficial guy. But... I'm now completely and utterly convinced that the women of this world don't DESERVE a nice guy. NONE of them. And it's certainly not OWED to any of them.

There are a lot of unfortunate truths here that it's time I accept:
1) If I stop being a nice guy, chances are I'll be treated BETTER.
2) What I value just doesn't fit in. I don't fit in.
3) The world is superficial and women don't want something deep, they want to be bought.
4) I hate women at this point. A very small, but strong part of me resents them all... and as a result of that I'll probably be more attractive to them. And I hate them for that too.

No more sharing, no more giving. It's time things were given to me. It's time I was the user and not the used. This bullshit has gone on long enough.

Here's what REALLY GETS ME!!!!

Bill... is Mr. Money. That's all he's got over me! THAT'S IT!! But she's totally head over heels. Well fuck it... I can buy a wife too.
Anthony, was ABUSIVE! And she put up with it for 7 YEARS!!! Well fuck it... I can be abusive too.

And this is the thing... she values BOTH of these guys more than me! Bill left her TWICE in two months, but FUCK me because of what HE DID!!!


I'm done. And that's all there is to it. I'm not going to go out of my way to be an asshole, but the nice guy stuff is done. The flowers, the poetry of words, the compliments, the lavishing of attention... I'm done. Just fucking done. This conclusion was a long time coming and I never should have given things "one more chance" but I'm a stupid asshole (aka a nice guy). Well not anymore. Romance, as I see it, is dead. This is a dead world. A superficial hole that I don't belong in and don't want to be in.

Now... I'm sure there may be a woman or two out there who understands this and agrees and is willing to treat a nice guy the way he deserves, but I don't care at this point. I hate being a nice guy and I'm not willing to wait to meet this woman before I'm treated the way I've earned being treated.

I'm.... so..... done....

Current Mood: frustrated
Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
2:28 am

Oh.... a big one!

I know this is a dramatic jump to go from talking about girlies to the very deep recesses of philosophy, but hey... that's me for you.

Although, it's also partly appropriate, since some of my romantic experiences recently have had a huge impact on my evolving philosophy, but I'll get there in a second.

So let's build from very early on and hopefully I don't miss much. I KNOW I'll miss some things, because this is just too big a topic.
I'm going to work from about the time I originally started writing this journal. It was about at fifteen years old that I solidified my core beliefs/convictions and funny enough, even my supposedly changeless core has evolved over time, but most of that has been intentional.

The most obvious change is all the anger. It's pretty much gone. When I was a young teenager and even well into my twenties, I was consumed by bitterness, anger, and resentment. I was sick of people and borderline heartless. I would have said, back then, that I hate people, but I think I just hated the things they did and how they treated me because, in truth I actually loved people and held them to higher standards than they seem to hold themselves to.

I hated every established system or authority. I saw all these rigid systems as shackles, that once again, people abused and misused and were used by. A lot of this is unchanged, but I don't blame the systems so much anymore as I do people. I love people and do believe they're genuinely good inside, or at least try to be... but most folks are dumb asses and decidedly lazy and selfish. Though, I mostly see it as a cultural issue and a failure of ignorance, more than the potential quality of people.

Actually, I've come to the conclusion that most major issues we face as a nation, or a species (at this point; nations might be an obsolete concept), can be traced back to some cultural phenomenon or improper education. For instance, more than anything, I think gun violence in the country stems from our military fetish and massive national defense budget. No other country spends so much on instruments of war... is it any surprise, really, that we have some of the worst violent crime statistics?

Funny enough, reading through my old posts, I saw this increasing interest in the concept of having a center/balance/peace with things. I've pretty much achieved it. Though, I'm not perfect... it's still possible to push my buttons, but it's certainly not easy to do. Especially not the way it used to be and I'm pretty happy about that.

I guess we'll talk some of the more recent changes.

When Bonnie broke up with me last time, my friend Matt from Austin suggested I read "The Way of the Superior Man" which introduced me (for the first time ever) to the concept of really being a man and living for mission before everything else. It was almost like I was given permission to be a little self-centered, or at the very least it put the idea in my head that living to make loved ones happy first was causing me unnecessary hardship. In other words... I should have been willing to tell Bonnie to fuck off a long time ago and focused like a laser on what I wanted for myself, regardless of how she felt about and the irony is, if I'd done that, we might still be together. I'm still kind of in the process of defining my mission, but I know I have to do something big. I can't be mediocre in my execution of my life because the intellectual gifts I've been given are anything but. For that reason, Buckminster Fuller has become an idol of mine. Which... I should probably do a little more reading up on the man.

Shortly after that break-up though, I had another significant inspirational thought as a direct result of romantic involvement... this time with Sara.
I must say.... thinking about her isn't easy. She was my perfect woman. I don't miss her, but I do... if that makes sense.
But here's what I learned from her, or rather the epiphany that she inspired: I had wrong ideas about school. I wish things could have been different and someone, somewhere along the lines could have given my appreciate for higher education sooner, but it didn't happen that way. What Sara made me realize, was that if I had made a good, well-informed choice in education, getting a college degree could have given me the leverage I needed to make myself completely indispensable in the working world. Which is a much better place to be than where I find myself today. Given my skills and abilities, I would have only had to pick something that very few people, except someone like me, could have ever done. Astrophysics anyone? Or any such field of that caliber. Something technical! I have the mind and not a lot of people do. I didn't see college as holding any value, and perhaps intrinsically it doesn't. But I could have made something of it. I've decided that a college degree still doesn't make anything of a person, but perhaps the right person can make a major impact with the right degree. I could've been doing Discovery Channel interviews for all I know! Point is, I've learned the value of an education. Luckily for me... no such things as too late!

One thing I have also learned about myself, or at least recently labeled: I'm an efficiency freak. I HATE wasting the slightest bit of time on anything. It makes me nuts.

Actually, something else interesting to note. I recently did a meditation exercise to find out what my truly core guiding principle was. And this is above all else. I actually didn't have a preconceived notion on this one, it just came to me the way it was supposed to. The principle is integrity. Now... I talk about it alot and make no secret that it's important to me, but I really figured it would be something else as my core. And as a matter of fact, when it came to me, I tried to start to push the idea towards something more success driven or based on some contribution to mankind, but while those things are very important to me, there was no changing this thought in my head. Integrity is everything to me, whether I want it to be or not.

Something else that's been a psychological struggle for me recently! Doubting myself. Second guessing/humbling myself.
The gap between what I know and what I suspect has gotten smaller and smaller as time goes on. I often feel like I give myself too much credit and I can't be that right all the time (mostly, I think, because all my old loser friends tried to tear me down), so I put the notion in my head that maybe I'm wrong.... but it almost never works out that way. There has been only ONE exception to that, and it's the woman I'm currently dating. Crystal is so unique and (I would say) so much higher caliber than most other people that she just doesn't fit into the common average molds and profiles i have for people. She has integrity and conviction to a degree that most other don't and I don't ever really have to interpret her intentions. She make them known and sticks by what she says, which is VERY weird. Especially for a woman.

But other than her, I can predict anyone's actions and often times even their thoughts. But I have a voice conditioned in my head telling me I can't. And that makes me a little pissed. I'll never forget my history teacher (at Brookdale) telling me, "you don't have to write things like, 'as far as I can tell,' or, 'in my opinion,' because, he said, I know it's your opinion because you're writing it. That's obvious. And that made me think, "it IS obvious!" Which really pissed me off because all my (now former) friends always gave me so much crap for giving my input. Like I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or know something!
But I've also come to realize how frightened most people are by any new information. Their entire world is based on what they think they know and anything that threatens that reality is responded to with extreme prejudice. Most people are not willing to be wrong about anything and therefore not willing to see the world differently than they do, which ultimately means they have stopped learning.

One more thing I want to touch on before I call this complete. My core philosophy (other than integrity) has become an effort towards a zen-like peace. I want to be centered and formidable like a mountain, but free and flowing like water.
And I'm happy to say I've mostly achieved that. I'm happy being happy and carrying my weather with me, but it's also very rare I'm finding, so I'm often having to reject the negative energy of other people. Funny enough, I don't think I ever noticed just how dramatically negative people really are until I started trying to be positive. And I KNOW without any doubt that part of that is just Jersey. Really don't like it here.

Anyway... that's a brief on that. The tenants of my core philosophy are as follows:
>being a creative source

So, there it is.

Oh! There is one last thing. (See? There's too much! I HAVE to forget SOMETHING or I'll be here all night)

Actually, scratch that. My next post will be on personal development and I'll dive into all that.

"The opposite of winning, is not losing. The opposite of winning is not even trying." Stephen Covey

Current Mood: thoughtful
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